Peanut Butter Fudge

This is the best, creamiest peanut butter fudge I have ever tried. I have no idea where I got the recipe. It is yummy!

Peanut Butter Fudge

1/2 cup butter
2 cups brown sugar, packed
1/2 cup milk
1 cup creamy peanut butter
1 tsp vanilla
3 cups powdered sugar

Measure powdered sugar into large mixing bowl. Set aside.
In medium sauce pan, melt butter on medium heat.
Add brown sugar and milk.
Bring to rolling boil.
Let boil for 2 minutes, stirring frequently.
Remove from heat.
Stir in peanut butter and vanilla.
Pour over powdered sugar.
Mix with electric mixer until smooth.
Pour into greased or wax paper lined 8x8 baking pan.
Chill until firm. Cut into squares.

Precious

Three of my best gifts ever!

Make A Difference

Make a difference in a child's life. Sponsor a child in an AIDS and poverty stricken nation and change their life forever. Only $20 a month. Only a one year commitment.

Check out this link:
http://www.cohcommunity.org/sponsor-a-child/

We Have More Than We Realize

My daughter, Carmen, sponsors a child named Clyton from Zimbabwe through World Vision. As I was reading a letter from his mom, something stood out that made me feel so grateful and so ashamed at the same time. She wrote, "we were surprised to hear that there is a ministry that gives free food and clothes for free within our community." Here in American, I would never be 'surprised' to hear about such a ministry. There are several in every major city and usually at least one in most smaller cities and towns. Unfortunately, Clyton's family does not qualify for this program because it is only for orphans and people with disabilities.

Clyton's mother also wrote that her children were not in school because she doesn't have the money for them to attend. Many schools in Africa either cost tuition or require uniforms that many families cannot afford to purchase. It made me think about how much we have here in America. Even those of us who have less than everyone else. It is all a matter of perspective. Even the poor in America have advantages. The schools might not be the best, but they are free. Ministries are available to provide school supplies, clothing, food, and other basic needs. Government programs provide free money, free food, and free medical care to the poor. The disabled have the opportunity to receive money through disability. The unemployed often get free money from the government as well.

Don't get me wrong. I know that there are still people in need here in America. I know of seniors who can't afford medicine, veterans who can't afford medical care, and many people who simply live in hunger and in need. But the difference is a matter of opportunity. Opportunity exists here in America that simply does not exist in many countries of the world.

Here is something to think about: when you say that you are starving, it simply means that you are a few hours late for your next meal. When a child in another country is starving, it means they are dying from lack of nutritious food. When you say that you have no money, it usually means that you can't afford that new gadget or pair of shoes that you desire. When a family in other countries say they have no money it means they have nothing.

My sister had the opportunity to travel to Malawi, Africa a few years ago. It is located next to Zimbabwe. As they toured the village, they learned what it truly meant to have nothing. The people had only one set of clothing which was often in rags. The children slept on dirt floors. They didn't even own a blanket to keep them warm. Their diet mostly consisted of nsima, a food made of ground maize (corn). In fact, the mission trip that she went with ordered plenty of chicken and other meat. The local pastors ended up getting a little belly pooch during the two week mission trip because they weren't used to eating so much food especially meat. When I think of how much food that I waste, I want to cry. I am so grateful for the abundance that I have available to my family, even in our time of financial hardship. And I am so ashamed that I often feel like it is not enough.

I am thankful for ministries who serve the people in need in countries where the people have so little. It makes me sad, too, to see so many people here in America oppose helping in the people in other countries. Yes, there are poor here in America. But I choose to help those who have no other opportunity for help. I just wish I could do more.

Peace

I have been thinking about this alot lately. What is the difference between a peace maker and a peace keeper? Keeping peace and making peace are not the same thing. I will blog more about this later, but in the mean time, opinions are welcome.

Fall Fun

My husband and I felt God calling us away from celebrating Halloween a few years ago. We still participate in trunk or treat at church and we usually go to Chuck E Cheese or do some other fun thing on Halloween night. Some people say that we are still celebrating Halloween but in a different way. While it might seem that way, I don't believe that we can just pretend that Halloween doesn't exist. I do think it is a safe and fun alternative. And the only way we have been able to avoid most of the evil aspects of the holiday that we want to avoid. We do not condone celebrating evil like it is something good, even if it is only one day a year. I have to admit, though, that this year I have really struggled with wanting to take my kids trick or treating. Maybe it is because I know how much fun Declan would have. Maybe it is because I am craving candy. Or maybe it is because I am feeling left out. My sisters and their kids have so much fun together on Halloween. Or maybe Satan is trying to make it seem acceptable. Whatever the reason, we still won't be celebrating. However, Gabe has a rocking good costume for Trunk or Treat!

Declan is a cute little puppy!

Storms

I will praise you through this storm. I will lift my hands. You are who you are, no matter where I am......

For today, I am making a conscience choice to live thankfully. Even though there are so many storms in our life right now, we also have much to be thankful for. If I concentrate on my trials I will be overwhelmed with fear and hopelessness. Instead, for today, I am going to thank God for each breath and for each blessing, no matter who small it may seem.

Circus Act

I think my thirteen year old is trying to start his own personal circus. He taught himself to yo yo then to juggle. Now he purchased a unicycle. I know that God has given him these gifts to bless people. I can't wait to see it time and time again. (And please pray for no broken bones as he learns how to ride this thing.)

My Littlest Pumpkin

Beautiful

My favorite time of year is Spring but for a brief few weeks I love this time of year. It is so breathtaking to drive and see how God painted the world with all of the beautiful colors in the trees. You can't tell in this photo, but this tree in our front year has green, red, yellow, and orange leaves at the same time. So beautiful.

The leaves have spots on them, though. Gabe says it looks like a bunch of cheetahs when you look up into the tree.

Praising Through the Disappointment

After thirteen months of unemployment, my husband finally has a job offer. I would love to be able to report that I am jumping for joy. But that would be a lie. You see, this is a minimum wage job doing something that he does not enjoy at all, working on cars. It is not going to pay enough to pay our current bills much less catch up on our old ones. In fact, if he was receiving unemployment benefits, he would get more than this job will pay. But he isn't getting unemployment. And I lost my income, too. So, I am grateful for the job. Afterall, any income is better than no income at all. It just breaks my heart to see my husband, who has so much to offer, have to settle for a job he doesn't want. I know that God has a purpose for him getting this job after withholding a job for so long. The timing was orchestrated perfectly. So, disappointed or not, I am praising God and trusting that He knows what He is doing. Keep praying for us.

NOTE: He won't "technically" be offered the job until the drug test comes back, but other than all of the heart meds, he is clean.

Giving God Room To Work

Our money issues seem to be on my mind all the time. All the time. But I have been thinking about a few things lately that have really started to change my way of thinking. First of all, our pastor mentioned in a sermon last week that we cannot praise God by simply looking at our current circumstances. We have to look at all He has done for us, for others, and also look simply at who He is. All of this time I have been trying to praise God for the small thinks he is doing for us in this time of financial hardship. Thanking him for $2o here, for a small job there. But still the needs have seemed so much bigger than what God was doing. The stack of bills, the ones waiting to be paid, was so much larger than the stack of bills, the dollar kind, to use to pay them. It has been so hard to focus on God. But as Steve preached about praising God outside of our circumstances, I have been able to focus on so much more than our bills and needs. God is a good God! And He has done so very much for me and for those around me! How in the world can I doubt Him or His timing?!
The other thing that has been on my mind was a quote that a friend posted on her facebook status. She posted something like, "If money is your only problem, you have no problem at all, because God has all the resources in the world." At first, I was so consumed by my problem of money, or lack of it, that I just couldn't accept this post. But then I got to thinking about all of the resources that God has..... everything and everyone. A paycheck is not the only resource God can use to provide for his people. Just looking at the Bible, I see a vast number of resources God has used to bless and provide. All of this time, I have been feeling a little ashamed of receiving gifts from others to pay our bills and even more ashamed for being on "public assistance" (foodstamps and medical card). But God showed me through this friend's quote, that those resources are no less his than a paycheck or any other resource.
I continue to pray that I become a generous and merciful stewart. I also continue to pray that God teach me whatever he needs to teach me through this time. And I continue to pray that God reveal to us the reason for his withholding a job at this time. In the mean time, I will continue to trust and obey Him. And I will follow his leading. And I repent for not obeying God in the first place when I felt led to cancel our vacation in August. I should have canceled it immediatly and without question. Instead, I bucked, whined, complained, and felt sorry for myself. Then to make matters worse, I canceled the vacation but hung onto the cabin, changing the reservation but not canceling it. Well, God told me in a dream the other day to cancel the cabin, so I did. And you know what? It feels really good to obey and to give God room to work.

A Blast From the Past

Me with my little sisters at King's Island. I was probably 15 or 16 at the time.

Generosity

I feel so blessed by the generosity of my family and church family. I hope to be able to someday be as generous as so many have been to us as we go through this difficult time. My husband has been unemployed for a little over a year. I am technically unemployed as of this past friday. I know that there are so many millions of others that are unemployed as well. I am trying to be sympathetic to there situation, too, but I have to admit that I am struggling with it. Our situation is a little different. My husband has not received any unemployment benefits for over three months due to a complicated set of circumstances and we have no idea when or if they will begin again. And I am self employed so I cannot receive unemployment benefits. Therefore our family has absolutely zero money coming in right now. That is a very scary place to be. I am trying to see it as an opportunity to totally trust God for all of our needs. Unfortunately it is a battle for me. I am battling everyday with overwhelming fear. I ask for your prayers for provision and favor, for a job, for our bills to be caught up on and paid, and for peace and faith in this difficult time, and for a generous and giving heart. I can't wait live generously with whatever God provides.

Happy Birthday Miracle Baby

Today I had the privilege of celebrating the first birthday of a miracle baby. According to doctors, beautiful baby Kelly shouldn't be celebrating a birthday at all. She wasn't even supposed to survive birth. Yet, God has shown once again that He is bigger than any diagnosis or condition. Kelly is such a precious little girl. She has touched people all around the world with her story. She is truly a miracle and testiment to who God is and how much He loves us. It has not been an easy road for Kelly or her family, but through it all, they have remained faithful and thankful, trusting God to be with them through it all. Kelly is a reflection of God's glory and it was a joy to celebrate her life and her birthday today. Happy Birthday Miracle Baby!!

Blessed Beyond Measure

Gosh, I am just so blessed. Great kids, an awesome hubby, amazing sisters, fantastic friends, fun job, health, wealth in all the ways that count, enough challenges make me stronger, grace for all of my failures, opportunities to learn and grow and give, everything I need for today, hope for tomorrow, dreams for something bigger, and love overflowing. I am blessed beyond measure.

About Trust and Giving

Over the last few weeks, God has been really showing me where my trust has been. My husband has been unemployed for almost a year but for the most part things have been good. In that time the bills have been paid, we have been tithing, and although we have had to tighten up our budget a little, we were not struggling too bad. This whole time I thought I had been trusting God with our finances and He has been providing. However, when I checked my bank account balance one day and realized that our balance was nearing zero and J. still hadn’t started receiving any unemployment benefits, I panicked. I was consumed with fear. I tried to pray but fear always overtook my prayers. All I could think about was our lack of money and no where to get any. Worse yet, I didn’t have an income, either, for a week, because the child that I babysit was on vacation. When our church had started the 10 for 10 challenge earlier in the year, I had felt called to give an additional $10 each week, which we continued to do even though we had no actual income that week. It was a very small tithe check. Still, I continued to struggle with overwhelming fear.

One night a prophetic word was spoken over our situation. I started crying and couldn’t stop. I cried my heart out to God that night and He showed me that my trust had been in many things but not in HIM. I had been trusting my bank account, my income tax return, and my husband’s future but non existant unemployment check. While I had continued to tithe, even giving above and beyond, I had truly not been trusting God. In the back of my mind, I had always had a back up plan. When the back up plan was gone and I turned our finances back over to God and put my trust in Him once again, he has shown me that He will provide. While my husband is still unemployed, I know that God is a God whom I can trust to provide for my needs and he is a God of grace who forgives me when I fail.

Summer....

I am simply not ready for summer to be over!

Teen Drama

Yikes. Dealing with teen drama this weekend and it wasn't even my teens. UGH! And all I did was offer one of them a ride to church at the request of my generous daughter who wants to be a witness. While it was rather frustrating to deal with, it did give me an opportunity to have some great conversations with both of my teenagers and left me feeling totally blessed to be their mom. My teens are not the drama type. They really have good heads on their shoulders. They are wise beyond their years and have a strong faith and moral standard. They are good to their friends and have few foes. They treat everyone kindly and respectfully (except maybe each other at times, as most siblings tend to). I truly feel that they are set apart. It is so refreshing that I can totally trust them. Sure, they make mistakes at times, but they are trustworthy. I know that they are going to make good choices. In some ways, they are normal teenagers. But in ways that reallly matter, I am so glad that they are different. Now I know why I was called to homeschool. Teen drama can stay in the public school and my kids and I can avoid it.

It's a Madhouse

Some crazy stuff going on here. Last week I was taking Declan out of his high chair and I threw my back out. I mean out! I couldn't even walk. It hurt BAD! I couldn't get up from a chair for two days, so I pretty much stood all day long. After a steriod shot, a chiropractic adjustment, and tons of ice and pain meds, I am feeling alot better. Carmen hurt her elbow the same day I hurt my back. Thank God it is sprained and not broken. We keep fighting for the ice pack. I always loose. Also on the same day, Logan developed and ear infection in his ear canal. Not a normal ear infection. We spent the entire next day at various doc appts. Gabe came along too, to get an xray. He had accidently swallowed a video game token from Scallywag Tag the week before. We hadn't seen it come out the other end (although we didn't really look all that well) so we decided to have it checked. Wouldn't you know it, that coin is still stuck in his stomach. After consulting with the GI and our family doc, the urgent care doc decided that we should wait two more weeks then get another xray. We will see what happens. We are already under financial attack and now this strange attack on our family's health. Enough, Satan. In Jesus name we have authority over you. Leave our family alone!

As I tell Declan every night after we pray, "God is good." I will choose to focus on him and not my circumstances. These afflictions eclipsed by glory.

A sad day....

A sad day in our household. I have to cancel our vacation today. I haven't told the kids yet. They are really going to be dissappointed. I am praying that God go before me and give them peace about this. We just can't afford to go. We have all of the money we need set aside for it, but we have bills that need to be paid. That money must go toward bills. J. is getting NO income or unemployment at all. I am getting very little for my daycare job. Bills are piling up and going unpaid. I am really scared about how we are going to make it. God is a big God. I am trying to focus on how big God is instead of how big our bills our, but I have to admit it is hard to do. I am really struggling with fear.

Update: I told the kids. I think Carmen is taking it the worst. She is already struggling with depression. I was able to transfer the cabin to a date next summer. Hopefully we won't have to cancel it altogether. But we are prepared to if bills get too bad.

Fixed, Sorta

Well, we can use the toilet and tub again. And J. didn't have to tear up the bathroom floor like he first thought he would. Yeah! I still think there is more work to be done eventually but at least we can use the bathroom again. The kitchen sink is still stopped up, but I won't be complaining about that anymore. It seems so little compared to having a stopped up toilet, tub, AND kitchen sink.

Not a Good Thing

So, it can't be a good thing when I flush the toilet and some nasty crap comes up out of the tub drain. And of course, my plumber husband isn't home. Somehow I get the feeling this isn't going to be an easy or a cheap fix.

Bifocals Suck

At least they are cute.....



These things give me a headache and make me horribly nauseous! I probably won't be wearing them too often. The eye doc said to give it a few days and if I couldn't adjust to them to let them know. The reading part is actually a sticker like thing. I am hoping they can peel that off so I can just use them for distance. I can always get some reading glasses at the pharmacy.

Feeling Out of Sorts

Feeling very out of sorts this evening. As I am listening to J. describe his amazing camp experience, I am thinking more and more that I am losing who I am to who I have become... a mother. I used to be a camp counselor and program director. It was fun. Very fun. I used to be a girl scout leader. I used to participate. I used to be fun, adventurous, and outgoing. Now I am the one who stays home with the kids so everyone else can go have an adventure. The sad thing is, it has become who I am. I am the mom, the responsible one, the one who does what needs done. And I am so used to it, that I had to look at old photos to remember who I used to be. I have accepted being nothing more than a bench warmer, someone who watches from a distance but never gets to participate. Someone who hears all about the adventure second hand. Iwant an adventure too. I love my kids, but sometimes I am so tired of being the one left behind.


I am also feeling like I don't actually fit in anywhere. I have friends from church but lately I have felt like I just don't fit in with them. I am different. And I think they sense that. It seems that I don't get invited places anymore. I have my sisters but they aren't very much like me either. I guess I am feeling left out and lonely. I know this is totally irrational and untrue, but that is how I am feeling. I don't have any close friends. Maybe there is something wrong with me. I really don't know how to be a good friend and I have trouble in social situations. I am more like Carmen than she realizes. Who knows, maybe I also have Asperger's Syndrome. That would explain alot.

Basically you can say I am just feeling sorry for myself today.

Happy Birthday Gabe!

Happy 9th Birthday, Gabe! You are such a gift to our family. That is why your middle name is Makiwa. It means gift. I have loved watching grow and become your own person. You have a very unique and creative personality. You are fun to be with and you make me smile. I love you so much!

Prayers Needed

For anyone who reads this, I am asking for prayer for me against fear of our financial situation. As our bank account drains I am struggling with more and more fear. This tells me that I haven't really been trusting God but rather my bank account this whole time. I am trying to turn this all over to Jehoveh-Jireh, God Who Provides, but it is a daily (sometimes hourly) struggle. Thanks for your prayers.

Wanted: Skinny Plumber

This is how I have been washing dishes (and doing anything with the sink) for the last several weeks. The kitchen sink will not drain at all. If water does get in it, I have to bail it out then sop it up with a towel. Remember folks, I am married to a plumber! But I can't blame him for this, though. We saved the money to rent a professional snake but it wasn't long enough to reach the clog, which is located in the one part of the pipe we didn't replace last year. J. can't fit in the crawl space to fix it, so we have to save up and hire a short, skinny plumber. Luckily we do know one. He is the one that replaced the rest of the pipe last year. Now we just have to save up enough money to hire him (not an easy thing to do with an unemployed husband). Logan could probably fix it. He is a pretty good plumber in training. But we are concerned about him being in the crawl space laying on his back and reaching up to use the saws all. If he drops it and gets hurt, we can't get to him to get him out of the crawl space. So for now, I do dishes in buckets. It is a pain in the butt and it is disgusting. But it is far better than what they did a hundred or so years ago. I am blessed.

Great Book

I found this on the library shelf a few years ago. I had never heard of the author but I was running out of Christian fiction to read so I thought I would give it a try. WOW! It is such a great book! I highly recommend it. My daughter, Carmen, is reading it right now and she can't put it down. Check it out!

http://www.lisamckaywriting.com/home/books.html

A Disappointing Day

So, yesterday was just kind of a disappointing day.
First, J. rented a snake to fix our clogged kitchen sink. It hasn't drained at all for several weeks so we have to keep buckets in the sink to catch the water and then dump them when they are full. It is challenging to do dishes and run the dishwasher. So, he pays fifty bucks to rent this professional quality snake..... and it isn't long enough to reach the clog. So disappointment number one was realizing that we have to keep using buckets and we have to hire a short skinny plumber to replace the clogged pipe since J. can't fit in the crawl space.
Disappointment number two. I go to the eye doctor and find out that I need glasses. Bifocals to be exact. And insurance doesn't cover the 'no line' bifocals. Great.
Disappointment number three. We might have to cancel our vacation. Technically we needed to make a decision by midnight last night but I think we still have time to get a refund today. The cabin is paid in full. We have money and gift cards set aside for travel expenses. But J. is not getting unemployment like we expected and our bank account is dwindling quickly. Plus the van is acting up a little. We are praying for an answer but the practical thing to do is to cancel vacation or at least take a smaller one close by. But gosh, I really want to go.
In all of this, a good friend reminded me that I need to count my blessings. She is right. In all of the disappointments there is a blessing. I can still use my dishwasher. I have running water, hot and cold. Insurance is paying for my eyeglasses. I will be able to see clearly. We have so much. And I am blessed with the mo st awesome husband and children ever. So many blessings.

Still No Answers

Well, I went to the doc for these stomach cramps I have randomly been getting. The doc was as stumped as me. He basically said it could be a banana allergy or it could be my gallbaldder or it could be something else. Great. I already knew that. In the mean time I guess I will just not eat any bananas, just in case. He did say that he had heard of bananas triggering pancreatitis and if it happens again, call the office and I can have a blood test done that same day (unless, of course, it happens on an evening or weekend, which seems to be when it happens most often.) He did test me for Celiac Disease because of my struggles with anemia as a child and an adult. I had mentioned that my aunt had it so he wanted to test me now instead of waiting until September like he had first suggested. I didn't bother to tell him that it was an aunt by marriage not by blood. As much as I want to know the reason for the anemia, I really hope I don't have Celiac. I just don't know if I can change my diet that much. Doc also looked at the bump on my leg and said he has no idea what it is, but he did reassure me that it doesn't look like anything scary. That's a relief, I guess. On the plus side, I did get a few hours to myself without children on my heels.

Awards

Each week at PVM camp the children get an award based on a Biblical character trait they showed through the week. Logan's award was "VIRTUE". Carmen's award was "HOPE". Gabe's award was for "CONTENTMENT". I think Gabe left his contentment at camp.

Happy Momma

I am one happy momma! I get to pick my kids up from summer camp today! How in the world do parents deal with their kids being gone at boarding school or summer long camps? I would go crazy from missing them. My children are such a huge part of my life! Carmen has become such a beautiful young woman with strong moral standards. I am so proud of her. She has grown in so many ways. (I can't believe she is almost ready to get her temps, tomorrow if she wants). I was really worried about her being gone for two weeks, but she is so strong and ready for this. She hopes to work at camp as a counselor in just a few short years. I know she will love it! I didn't worry about Logan too much. He has always done well at camp and it is like a second home to him. He makes friends everywhere we go. He got the privilege of enjoying scuba camp this year. I look forward to him nagging me for scuba certification now. Gabe totally surprised me that he wanted to go to camp in the first place. New places typically make him nervous. But even though he was a little scared when we dropped him off, I know he is having a blast. And I have prayed that God use this experience to build strength and character. I can't wait to hear about all of their adventures!!

Paper Boy for a Day

With Logan gone to summer camp this week, I got the fun job of taking over his paper route. With the help of my sister, I played the role of paper boy for a day and I realized just how grateful I am for Logan's job. Logan has always been a hard worker and has been wanting a job for several years, so when this paper route became available a year ago, he jumped at the chance to earn some money. Not only can he finance his many sports and activities because of this job (a huge plus because he has some expensive hobbies), but it also gives me the opportunity to teach him about financial responsibility, budgeting, saving, and giving.
I do not believe in giving an allowance for chores. I believe that work should be done around the house simply because it needs done and everyone should participate and contribute. And we could never afford to give the kids a spending allowance, which is a good way to teach children about money. Therefore, this job is a big blessing. Since the beginning of this job, Logan has generously given and faithfully saved (saving for a car and for his future). However, the budgeting and impulse buying really needed some work. That paycheck burned a hole in his pocket every month. He has learned a few of his lessons the hard way, by either doing without something he wants or having to wait because he ran out of money, or by wasting money on something he didn't truly need or want. However, he has worked on this and has improved greatly. Together, we established a budget using the envelope system, along with a log to keep track of all of his money. I love seeing my children "get it" at such a young age. Carmen also has developed her own envelop system of managing money. She started sponsoring a child through World Vision a few years ago (without having a job) and because of that commitment, has had to be very careful about her money. I still have much to teach Gabe, who still thinks that money in his wallet automatically means a trip to the toy store. But it is a process.
When I was just out of college I met a mother of six who had the most respectful and responsible children I had ever met. She told me that she was raising them to be capable because she might not always be there. She wanted them to be able to succeed without her. I have also tried to raise my children the same way, with the mindset of teaching them to become capable and responsible adults. They have learned at an early age how to do their own laundry, take care of a baby, cook and clean, take responsiblity for their own decisions, serve their family and community, be helpful, courteous and grateful. Money management is just another step in the process of raising them to become productive, capable, and responsible citizens, parents, and spouses. Not every lesson sinks in right away for every child. No matter how hard I tried to teach our oldest about money, he just didn't listen. Each of my children have their own struggles as I try to guide them into adulthood. Carmen really struggles with cleaning. Logan struggles with picking up after himself. Gabe struggles with being independent. We can only try to teach, we can't make them learn. And it is a process.

So as I played paper boy this week, I gained a greater appreciation for hard work and for Logan's job. And as annoying as it is to drive Logan around on this paper route each week (especially during a snow storm or during collection week), I will forever be thankful for this learning opportinuty that has positively impacted his life.

Some links about Kids and Money

http://www.christianity.com/11574509/

http://www.crown.org/Library/ViewArticle.aspx?ArticleId=342

http://www.crown.org/Library/ViewArticle.aspx?ArticleId=343

Summer Camp

The house has been so quiet this week while all three of the older kids at summer camp. Carmen has actually been gone for two weeks since she is doing the Leader In Training (LIT) program. Gosh, I miss them so much! I have been especially worried about Gabe all week. This is his first year at camp and I know that he often has anxiety issues in new situations. It has been so hard not knowing how he is doing emotionally. Funny, I have found that I trust God totally with their physical wellbeing, but I am very concerned about their emotional wellbeing. Something I definately need to work on/ask the Lord to help with. Anyway, I have been trying to keep up with them by catching glimpses of them on the camp website. The camp posts pictures each night of the days activities. I am not sure that this is such a good thing, though. First of all, Carmen is totally camera shy, so I only saw one pic of her the entire first week and she was in the back of a large group. Secondly, Gabe looked terrible in the first few pics I saw of him. This did NOT help me relax and "not worry". He looked really nervous in one and just plain bad in the next two. I am hoping that he looked bad just because he was so tired. I remember my days as a camp counselor and camp program director. The kids are so excited that they stay up late the first night. Then they crash the second night. Gabe did look much better in the next photo that I saw. And I got two letters from him today that said he was having fun. I am so excited to pick them up! I have enjoyed the quiet house to some extent but it just seems so empty and incomplete. It is almost like I have been waiting all week for something to happen. I can not wait for the house to be filled again with the joyful voices of all of my children. Realistically I know that it will not be all "joyful" noises that will be filling our house, and I can honestly say that I have not missed the bickering, arguing, and complaining, but I missed my kids tremendously. I cannot wait to see them tomorrow. I am so thankful for the opportunity for my children to attend this summercamp. It has truly changed their lives.





http://www.pvmcamp.com/





dropping the boys at camp

Bad Bananas

I have been having random SEVERE stomach cramps lately. They start suddenly, have me doubled over in pain for several hours, and also cause nausea, sometimes vomitting, sometimes diarrhea, sweating, red skin, restlessness, and feeling like I have to poo. Everyone keeps telling me to have my gall bladder checked. I keep telling myself that if it happens "one more time" I will go to the emergency room (but never do). These episodes are becoming more frequent, so I started keeping track of my foods. I realized that the last three times it happened, I had just eaten a banana. After some research, I discovered that it is possible that I have a banana allergy or sensitivity. So, for now I will be avoiding bananas (except for the other day when I forgot while eating fruit salad). And I have a doc appt scheduled for next week. Hopefully I will get some answers.

Purity Ring

I was blessed beyond belief the other day. My son asked me to take him to Family Christian Store so he could buy a purtiy ring. In case you aren't sure what a purity ring is, it is a ring that is worn by unmarried young men and women on their wedding ring finger. It is a promise and reminder between them and God that they want to remain pure until marriage. In this crazy and sex crazed world we live in, it blesses me greatly to hear my son tell me this. Even though he is homeschooled, he is not sheltered. He knows perfectly well what temptations are out there for young men. Yet he has chosen to stand firm against them. He is a young man with high moral standards and great wisdom. At thirteen years old, many of his friends are totally girl crazy. Logan told me that he is in no hurry. He says he is only 13 and he doesn't even want to think about a girlfriend for several years. His future wife is a blessed woman.

Granny

My Granny passed away yesterday. The world just lost a strong and beautiful woman. She will be greatly missed. I will always remember her sense of humor, her graceful acceptance, her joy for life, her hard work, and her love. I will remember her wonderful and coveted stitchery, her stories, her strength, and her strong sense of family. I will remember her screaming when things got chaotic, her rag curls in my hair, her never being on time for anything, her bad driving and her ability to get lost everywhere she drove. I will remember her dirty mind, her love for Scrabble, baseball, and crossword puzzles, and her flowers. I cherish every moment I got to spend with her. Granny was a precious part of my life. I regret not spending more time with her. Life will never be the same without her. She will be missed.

A High Tech Ticker

J. had open heart surgery on April 28th. It was a day that we thought would never get here, but one that came way too soon. What started out as a simple heart murmur discovered 13 years ago, turned into a dangerous condition known as aortic stenosis. Apparently J. was born with a bicuspid aortic valve (basically the valve had two flaps instead of the normal three). Apparently this is a relatively common condition with the first sign of it being a heart murmur that develops in adulthood (although sometimes a heart murmur will be present as a child during illness). The stenosis, or hardening, develops later from the valve wearing out more quickly than it should. We also found out that this condition is typically genetic, therefore our children and grandchildren could also develop this condition.

J. was admitted to the hospital the day before surgery so that he could have an angiogram and some testing done. It was after the angiogram that we learned that "loopy" medicine made J. a very loving drunk. He kept trying to make out with me in recovery. Day of surgery arrived and I have to admit I was slightly nervous. Afterall, so many things could go wrong. But God knew just what I needed to get me through and sent just the right people to sit with me during the surgery to take my mind off of the what-ifs. J. got another round of loopy meds in the pre op room and again I was reminded of how affectionate of a "drunk" he is. Not only did he want to make out but he kept lifting the sheet to show me how they shaved him. It seemed like I waited with him for hours in the pre op room but I still wasn't ready when they wheeled him back to the OR. The surgery was surprisingly short, only 3 or so hours, and they kept me very informed as to what was going on and how he was doing. I breathed a sigh of relief when the surgery was over and doc came in to give me the update. Doc said that his valve was really messed up and looked like an old fish mouth (whatever that means) and he was surprised at how healthy J. seemed before this surgery considering how damaged the valve was. His new mechanical valve will last him the rest of his life.

When they first let me come back to see him after the surgery, I was a little surprised at his appearance. They had warned me that he would be swollen, but I wasn't prepared for him to look so green. He didn't really know I was there, but it was so good to see him. A nurse friend of mine came back a few minutes later to reassure me that the nurses were taking good care of him and that he was doing well. Then she took me out to dinner. After dinner I wanted to have one last peak at my hubby before I went home for the night and I am so glad I did. When I walked into the room and took his hand in mine, he opened his eyes for a second and said, "this is nice". It was such a good feeling. I wanted to stay longer, but my legs were swelling and I was so tired and drained and relieved that I just wanted to cry. He asked for a kiss on the forehead before I left and I drove home thanking God for His goodness and grace. When I arrived the next day, J. was sitting in his chair eating breakfast and looking good. He was in quite a bit of pain but he was in great spirits, joking with the nurses like always.

I spent every day at the hospital with him, while good and generous friends and family kept the children for us. J's recovery was remarkable and by the third day after surgery, he walked a mile (17 laps around the cardiac unit). Everyone was impressed with how well he was doing. The only problem with feeling so good is that he ended up using his arms too much to hug people, shake hands, reach, etc. Doc and I got on him about it, though, and he forced himself to slow down. He has a heart shaped pillow that will be his companion for the next 8 weeks. He uses it to help with pain as he coughs and sneezes and to remind him not to use his arms.

J. ended up spending a week at the hospital simply because of trying to get the blood thinners at the correct dosage. He received such wonderful care at the hospital that he almost didn't want to leave. Such a great group of nurses and doctors! And he got the opportunity to pray with and pray for several of the nurses, doctors, patients, and worried family members of patients. They place was full of Jesus freaks.

Recovery is a long process. It takes 12 weeks for his sternum to heal. For the next 8 weeks he will be in TRex mode....arms by his side and no lifting, pulling, or pushing anything over 5 pounds. And no hugging. That is going to be really hard for him, but he has to be very careful. If he damages the sternum before it is fully healed, it is VERY serious! In the mean time he has me to help him shower, dress, eat, take meds, and put on his lovely and fashionable TED compression hose. After only two days of being home, he is already getting frustrated with his inability to do anything. I know this is going to be a long 8 weeks, but I am so thankful that God gave him this second chance. Without this surgery, his heart a heart attack was inevitable. Thanks to everyone for your prayers and support. You have blessed us greatly.

Hubby Update

Well, the wisdom teeth are gone. A long day at Bethesda North and a lot of pain later, my husband came home yesterday with five fewer teeth. That means he is clear to go ahead with his heart surgery. The call was put in today to the cardiac surgeon. We are just waiting to hear back from him so we can schedule it. Let the fun begin~

UPDATE: looks like the surgery will be sometime during the last week of April (less that two weeks away). We have wanted this to be over and done with, but suddenly this seems too soon.

The Journey

The Bible story of the woman with the issue of blood has come up over and over again in the last few months. A woman I can relate to, because I, too, have been dealing with an issue with blood. I was diagnosed with Adenomyosis almost two years ago. I have learned that when a story or scripture verse comes up again and again, God is setting the stage to teach me something or set me free from something. I had heard this story multiple times in the past few months, but it wasn't until I recently went to the prison ministry outreach that God started to show me what he wanted me to learn from this story. As one of the ladies was teaching the prison ministry Bible study, she taught about that same story of the woman with the issue of blood. She taught that it wasn't just about the healing or the faith to be healed, but it was about the journey, the pursuit of Jesus. As Jesus was surrounded by throngs of people (a huge crowd), she had to aggressively pursue him to reach him. She passionately sought him out. She was hungry for him and what he had to offer.



While attending the Heaven at Hand conference at church this weekend, I sat alone towards the back of church. J was serving so I didn't sit in his normal favorite spot in the front row. During worship, I started pondering this same story. I even wrote the words "pursue", "seek Him", and "hungry for Him" on my program. As the speaker began preaching, I knew that God was going to do something for me that night. The speaker spoke on actively and passionately pursuing God. When my children called from home in the middle of the sermon crying for me to come home because they were arguing, I knew that God was really going to do something because the enemy was trying to get me to leave.


After the sermon, the speaker started calling people up for prayer for specific afflictions. The first affliction he mentioned was a bad heart. As I watched my husband and three others receive prayer, God really touched my heart and I wept. When the speaker called people up next to recieve prayer for back, joint, and hip issues, I joined nearly half the church in coming up front to receive prayer. While I did not experience any healing during this prayer time, a friend who was standing next to me received relief from an elbow problem. She then joined another friend who stood behind me in laying hands on me in prayer.

The next affliction mentioned was for women with an issue of blood. As I watched everyone sit except me and one other woman, I was amazed at how God works things out. I had just sent a private email prayer request out that morning to a few close friends for this issue of blood because it had gotten worse. Two of those friends happen to be the two who were laying hands on me. God set the stage to touch me that night, first with the Bible story that I can relate to. Then he softened my heart with prayers for my husband, drew me to Him by bringing me up with a large group for prayers for my back, then providing friends to encourage me as he called me up for his real purpose in bringing me there that night. He knew what I needed and how to gently bring me to that place before him.

As I received prayer, I wept. The Holy Spirit touched me and drew me to the floor. As I lay on the floor, I knew that this was about more than just healing for the issue. As I started pursuing God in other areas of my life, he answered my prayers immediately. I was praying (to myself-not out loud) about some very specific areas in my life that I wanted to seek God and pursue him in and God spoke immediate answers out loud through those around me. This happened several times. One of the things I prayed was that I really wanted to seek God in my finances and be a good steward. Right as I finished praying this in my head, my friend next to me said aloud, "God wants you to know that you are a good steward of his money." God continued to speak to me several times in this way. His love is so abundant and surpasses all understanding and all circumstances. I am still dealing with the issue of blood, but as I focus on God and pursue him instead of focusing on my issue, I can accept his love. As the lyrics of the song go "When all of the sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory"; as I focus on God and pursue him, my affliction suddenly becomes unimportant compared to how great God is. As the song continues, "And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me". As I pursue God and seek after him rather than focusing on my problems, I can really live in His great love! The problems might still be there, but they are nothing compared to how great God is and how deeply he loves me!

Restoration

A few years ago, my kids and I were learning about the Japanese internment camps in the USA during WWII. These camps had many affects on those involved. Some good. Most not so good. But one of the most signifcant results from these camps was the break down of the family unit. What caused this breakdown? The dining hall. You see, the family dinner table is a place where the family connects. Everyone in the family is together at the same time. They commune and communicate. They are bound together during these times of sharing. But with the dining hall style meals in the internment camps, children often went to eat with their friends. Likewise, women sought out the company of other women and men congregated together. Without that time to connect as a family, the family unit began to fall apart. After four years in these camps, families did not leave the same as they came in. This might not seem significant to most families. However, breakdown of the family unit has many consequences in the lives and futures of the children. It affects who they are and who they will become.

As I think about this off and on over the past year or so, I realized that we are becoming more and more like the Japanese families, only we are doing it by choice. How many families eat dinner on trays around the TV, or grab something quick in between activity after activity. Or, like us, come up with some other excuse not to eat together as a family. Our excuse-no dining room table. Our kitchen table is a two seater, making it difficult to dine with our family of 6. We have a dining room table, but when we moved to this house three years ago, we had to leave the dining room behind. Our dining room table is now pushed against the wall in the storage/utility/dog room and piled up with junk. I missed dining as a family and I certainly didn't want to see the breakdown of our family unit. So, when we got our income tax return back this year, we invested in a portable folding table. Tonight we pulled it out for the first time, set it up in the only free space in the house (in the middle of the living room) and had a family dinner together. It was nice! Really nice! Thank you, Lord, for restoring our family unit. Thank you for our table.

A Reason To Celebrate

I wrote this a while ago in my journal. Just thought I would share it on here.

During church worship, once, I was thinking about how differently people celebrate God...some shout, some dance, some raise their hands, some sing out loud... I was also thinking about the message series we are currently studying called "Celebrate". I then noticed that I seem to have some anxiety during worship and don't feel free to "celebrate" God during worship as freely as other people do. I wasn't sure why I felt that way but it is not a new feeling, just a new revelation. I was thinking about why I don't feel like I can celebrate Jesus freely and thought of many possiblities: perhaps it is because I sit in the front row (thanks to my husband), and I am so tall, and I am married to J. (enough said)....-I don't feel comfortable celebrating because I stand out...people may be watching me. Perhaps it is because I am just a shy person and like to celebrate more quietly. Perhaps it is because I don't understand some of the lyrics to the songs. Perhaps it is because I can't sing.... But then I realized how self centered all of those thoughts were. So in the middle of one of the songs, I asked God to teach me how to celebrate him. And he told me very clearly, "You need to have a reason to celebrate."

I was thinking, "What are you talking about. I know the reason. I was raised in the church. I know all about salvation." As our conversation continued and I learned that I haven't yet fully accepted his unconditional love and freedom. I never fully grasped the extent of what He did for me. I was raised Catholic, and when I chose to follow Christ as an adult a few years ago, it wasn't a drastic conversion. I have always had a knowledge of God and his mercy and grace. But when I accepted Him I wanted to follow him and be more like him. So that is what I did. I learned to pray, I learned how to study the Bible, and I tried to be more Godly in my role as wife, mother, steward, friend, and servant.

But God told me that night during worship that I struggle with celebrating Him because I spent so much time trying to be a better Christian, that I haven't stopped to think about why I do all of that. I haven't fully accepted the completeness of His gift to me on the cross. I told God that night that I was sorry for not celebrating Him and for not fully accepting His mercy and grace. I even told him I would go to a prayer team after service to repent and seek his forgiveness. That is when he told me "You still don't get it. You don't have to do ANYTHING! I love you even if you don't do anything for me. I love you just how you are, right now, unconditionally. There's your reason to celebrate."

Celebrate-to praise or "honor widely" (the random house dictionary)

I can sing to Him (though it isn't pretty), I can pray to Him, I can live for Him, I can serve Him. But I can not celebrate Him if I don't have a reason to celebrate.


I may not dance and sing out loud. I may not shout or raise my hands. But now I know that if I am not celebrating Him it is because of my own selfishness. Now I have a reason to celebrate! It is now up to me to overcome myself in order to "honor Him widely."

A Matter of Perspective

As I watched my toddler playing, I realized just how many lessons that God teaches me through my children. On this particular day, my little guy was playing with a toy truck and he just couldn't get it to work the way he wanted it to. He wanted to push it forward but something was in the way. He reacted in frustration by crying, screaming, and kicking. His entire world at that moment was focused on that toy and how things weren't working out they way that he had planned. From his persepective, life was awful. I watched him throw his tantrum, debating whether or not I should jump in and help him. After all, from my perspective, the problem was tiny. All he had to do was move the block. Once I helped him with his problem, his entire perspective on life changed. All was well, once again. While watching him throw a fit over what I saw as a tiny problem, I realized just how often I do the same thing. I get frustrated over a circumstance in my life and my entire world is focused on that problem. I kick and scream and cry. From my perspective, life sucks. But God sees things differently. That circumstance that seems like such a huge roadblock to me, is nothing to God. And he is just waiting to help me. No matter, what the circumstance or how big it seems to us, it is just a little thing to God. It is all a matter of perspective.

Mindset of a Slave

I am not sure where I read this, but I remember reading about the Isrealites after they were set free from slavery in Egypt. According to this author's interpretation, the reason the Isrealites had to wonder around in the dessert for 40 years was because they of their mindset. They were raised as slaves for generations. They thought like slaves, worked like slaves, and acted like slaves. They could not grasp the reality of their freedom. They simply couldn't think like free people. Even though they were no longer slaves, they were still enslaved in their mind and heart. It wasn't until after that generation died off before the Isrealites thought of themselves as free, capable, and chosen. A generation that grew up in freedom in the dessert. They weren't trapped in a mindset of slavery. They were truly free.

How often I find myself trapped in a mindset of slavery even though I have been set free. Although these are not chains in a physical sense, they still try to hold me in captivity all the same. These chains are have different names.... fear, unforgiveness, poverty, sin, pride, shame. Like the Isrealites, sometimes I cannot think like a free woman. The shackles on my hands and feet have been opened. Yet sometimes I still allow them to keep me bound. I am tired of living as a slave. The Lord has set me free! Change my mindset, O Lord!

Dirty Theology

A great sermon.

God loves dirty people. God uses dirty people. We are called to love dirty people. We are dirty people.

The Pharisees were legalistic, rule following, religious people. While we often look down them for their attitude and actions, how many of us are guilty of the same thing. After all, they were only trying to be holy and pleasing to God. However, in their efforts to be holy, the forgot the most important part of who God is and who we are called to be-love.

Lord, help me to love people like you do. Forgive me for becoming a modern day Pharisee.

http://www.rivertreechurch.org/index.php
bottom left corner, click on weekend sermons, then click on Dirty Theology

Update on Surgery

Well, J. saw the dentist and would be clear for heart surgery. However, the dentist highly recommended that J. get his wisdom teeth pulled before his heart surgery. He will need it done eventually because they are giving him problems sometimes. If J. waits until after the heart surgery to have it done, he could have issues due to the blood thinners he will be required to take after heart surgery. Needless to say, he is frustrated with all of the waiting and new things "wrong" with him. He just wants to get this done. I know that God is in this, and am thankful for His perfect timing. Keep the prayers coming :)

Heart Surgery

My husband needs to have open heart surgery. It kind of came as a surprise. He has had a heart murmur for years. An echocardiogram 13 years ago showed that he had some calcified heart valves causing some regurgitation. But the doc at the time told us that it wouldn't cause any issues and that the only precaution he needed to take was to use an antibiotic before dental procedures to prevent bacteria in the mouth from causing an infection in his heart. He had another echocardiogram done this past summer as a part of a series of tests he needed when he was trying to get his DOT physical approved for his job. He ended up losing his job because of a different medical condition, sleep apnea. He never heard anything about the echo, so we assumed that all was well.

J. has been unemployed for 5 months. Money is very tight. Bills are late. Income is smaller than our monthly bills. But on the plus side, both J. and I have full medical coverage through the state medical card because of his unemployed status. Since we are covered, I decided to make medical appointments for me and the kids. J. decided he wanted to go to the dentist, too, so I called his doctor to get the needed antibiotic. She pulled out his chart to refresh her memory as to why he needed an antibiotic to go to the dentist. It was then that she found the test results from his echo this past summer. Tucked down in the bottom of the report was a serious finding. The percentage of blood being regurgitated is significant, causing his heart work harder than normal. She recommended stopping all physical activity and seeing a cardiologist immediately.

Now, I have been begging and pleading and nagging with J. to get him to the gym for months. He had just started going back, though without much commitment. So now that the doctor says NOT to go, where does he insist on going the very next day? The gym. One would think that he would love an excuse to avoid the gym, but he was that much more determined. Stubborn man. He is such a rebel.

The cardiologist saw him right away. After another round of tests (stress and another echo), the cardiologist determined he needs to replace the leaky valves with a mechanical valve. God's timing in this is amazing. The doc may not have seen these results for months or even years had J. not decided to go to the dentist. The medical bills will be covered with the medical card. And J. won't be missing any work, since he is unemployed. We will still spent some time without an income due to me having to take time off of my daycare job and J. not being able to collect unemployment during recovery, but I know that God can take care of that. He knows our needs and is taking care of the details.

When J. found out about the need for surgery, he didn't take the news well at first. He was kind of angry, bitter, and depressed about it. And maybe a little bit scared. He seems to be better now, after spending time with a friend who is dealing with his own issues. God has given him peace. The kids are scared. That is to be expected. Although they don't realize the severity of the procedure, they do know that a surgery is a big deal. As for me, I am a realist. I tend to just deal with things. I have spent time researching the procedure and the recovery process. I have been making plans and trying to get stuff done to prepare for the surgery date. It wasn't until a friend mentioned perfusion that I started to let a little bit of worry creep in. I started to realized that this surgery is a big deal. A really big deal. And that recovery could be a long and painful process. Being a realist, I know that anything can happen. But I started to realized just what that means and what we have to loose. I have been given a beautiful gift in the man that I married and this surgery has left me with a new appreciation for that gift. I trust God to see us through this. I am praying that means a flawless procedure and a quick recovery. But I know that even if the outcome is different than we hope or expect, that God is in it. He is a good God who loves us.

"I'm gonna celebrate this heartbeat, 'cause it just might be my last. Everyday is a gift from the Lord on high and they all go by so fast..." ~Randy Stonehill

Thanks to everyone for all of the prayers. Keep them coming. God listens and responds.

J. talked to the surgeon today and they cannot schedule the surgery until a dentist clears him. Apparently, if he has any type of infection in the mouth, it can cause his heart to become infected during surgery. The dentist appointment that started this whole thing is next week. For now we just wait and pray.

Prophetic Worship Weekend

This past weekend, our church had the privilege of experiencing a weekend of prophetic worship led by the worship team from Morning Star church. It was an amazing weekend full of the Holy Spirit. God revealed a few things to me during the course of the weekend and I just want to share them here as I remember them.

1.During worship, many of the young teens came up front to worship. My 12 yr old son was one of them. While I watched him worship with his whole being, it brought me much joy. Like me, I saw many others get excited and feel touched by the heart for worship that these young people displayed. I remember thinking that these young people are at the start of doing great things for God. But God showed me at that moment that Mary, the mother of Jesus, was only 14 when she was chosen to be the mother of our Savior. David was just a boy when he was chosen to be king. And just a boy when he had the faith to slay a giant warrior. Samuel was just a boy when he heard the voice of God. And Josiah was just a boy king who loved God, and was barely a man when he turned the Lord's people back to Him. As exciting as it was to see the youth with their hearts turned towards God, it should be the norm not the exception. It is not about what they might do someday for God. These young people are God's servants right now. Society says they can be nothing until they are an adult, but in the Lord's eyes, they are chosen right now. And it all starts with honoring God and putting Him first in their lives. (It still brought me much joy to see two of my son's on their knees before the Lord and dancing with joy for a Holy Savior. God has given them a true heart for Him.)

2. One of the songs we sang had the phrase "He loves like a father, He loves like a brother, He loves like a lion, fierce like no other". I am the type of person who likes to understand the lyrics that I am singing to the Lord and I often struggle with that because I tend to be a very literal thinker. Metaphors, poems, and many song lyrics are difficult for me to understand. So as I pondered the words to this song, I realized that I didn't comprehend the kind of love that this song refers to. I have no brothers, so I have never known that kind of love. My literal thinking mind can't imagine what it is like to love like a lion. And I didn't really have a strong relationship with my father. My parents divorced when I was young. While I longed to spend time with my father, his visitation at best was only one day a week. That is not the best situation to build a strong relationship. Even before the divorce, as a young girl, I watched my father divide his time between his family and his female companions. Since I couldn't comprehend the kind of love that the song spoke of, I started comparing it to the love of my husband. It was then that I realized that I don't trust men at all. All of the men in my life have been unfaithful. My father, my husband, and many others. While our marriage has since been healed and has blossomed, I am a realist and I know that even the best marriage are not safe from infidelity. Satan is decietful and sly. And men are human. They can fall into his traps. However, while I don't trust men, I do trust God. Is it wrong of me not to trust men? Maybe. But I know that I would rather put my heart in a faithful God's hands.

3. Come to Him like a child. Several times over the weekend God has shown me what it really means to have child like faith. This is just one example. I was reading Declan's favorite "Jesus book" about feeding the crowds in which a small boy offered his five loaves of bread and two fish. I can just picture this scenario in modern times. Imagine a crowded stadium of hungry people and one little kid comes up and says, "here, you can have my sandwich." I am sure the disciples responded like most adults would, including myself. A polite yet sympathetic smile, a pat on the head, and maybe a little snicker, "isn't that cute?" Adults see the impossiblity in the situation. A tiny contrubution like that won't feed one family much less a large crowd. But the small boy hasn't yet learned to think that way. He gave what he had and expected it to be enough. When God says to come to him like a child, he does not mean to be child"ish". He means to be child"like". He wants us to have the unaltered faith that can only come when we think like a child. One who has not yet learned about doubt, impossiblities, or fears. Imagine what the world would be like if we were all like that little boy. We tend to look at what we have and see that it is not enough, so we don't even bother to offer it. But he offered what he had, knowing it would help.

(more to come as I remember)

"Good" Christian

What does a "good" Christian look like? I see some people in church who seem so spiritual and prophetic; they are always quoting scripture and speaking in spiritual terms, and I wish that I was more like them. But then other people see me and think that I am spiritual and prophetic. Some would even say that I am a good Christian because I avoid "evil" tv and books, I don't curse or drink, and I go to church almost every service. I don't consider myself a spiritual or a prophetic person. And I certainly don't feel like I am a good Christian. My prayer life stinks. I cannot pray for longer than 30 seconds without getting distracted. I hardly ever remember to go to God first in times of need. I never remember to thank Him. I am prideful and full of fear. I am undisciplined and lazy. My Bible collects dust most days. And I have caught myself lifting my hands during worship while thinking more about my grocery list than my loving Savior.

I started praying on prayer team because I was once on the "church staff" as bookstore manager. A friend who was heading the prayer team at the time strongly encouraged me to take the prayer training and start praying on prayer team (better called "a swift kick in the pants"). I am an introvert and have some social anxiety issues. To this day I still get nervous about even asking for prayer for myself. I am not good at making conversation with people much less an invisible God. Every time I am on prayer team I am nervous and afraid that I won't know what to say when someone comes up to receive prayer from me. If people really knew me, they probably wouldn't choose me to pray for them. Yet, God uses me. He has given me visions and words for many people. Sometimes I think it is just me trying to think of something to say, but when the words speak right to the person's heart, I know it can't be from me.

So, why does God choose to work through me? I am just a simple woman failing miserably at being a good Christian. I spent some time pondering this very question last night and I came to a few conclussions. First of all, there is no such thing as a "good" Christian. Only a good God. We all fall short in one way or another every day. Secondly, when he uses broken vessels like me, then people can really see Him.

I no longer want to be seen as "spiritual and prophetic". I do not want anyone to think of me as a "good Christian". Those are not titles that I can ever fulfill. Anything that makes me appear good, spiritual, or prophetic is simple God shining out of the cracks in this broken vessel. I had nothing to do with it. Just call me a cracked pot that Jesus chose to fill.

Happy Belated Birthday, Cameron!

Again, a little late... Cameron turned 20 a little over a week ago. I feel blessed to have had the privilege of watching him grow from a cute little toddler into a man. Happy Birthday, Cameron.

Happy Birthday to My Baby Girl (a little late)

Carmen turned 15 a few weeks ago. It has been such a joy to watch her grow into such a lovely young woman.

A New Year Prayer

A New Year Prayer

Holy Father,
God of our yesterdays, our today, and our tomorrows.
We praise You for Your unequaled greatness.
Thank You for the year behind us and for the year ahead.
Help us in Your new year, Father, to fret less and laugh more.
To teach our children to laugh by laughing with them.
To teach others to love by loving them.
Knowing, when Love came to the stable in Bethlehem, He came for us.
So that Love could be with us, and we could know You.
That we could share Love with others.
Help us, Father, to hear Your love song in every sunrise,
in the chriping of sparrows in our backyards,
in the stories of our old folks, and the fantasies of our children.
Help us to stop and listen to Your love songs,
so that we may know You better and better.
We rejoice in the world You loved into being.
Thank You for another new year and for new chances every day.
We pray for peace, for light, and for hope, that we might spread them to others.
Forgive us for falling short this past year.
We leave the irreparable past in your hands, and step out into the unknown new year knowing You will go with us.
We accept Your gift of a new year and we rejoice in what's ahead, depending on You to help us do exactly what You want..
I say it again, we rejoice!
In Jesus name,

Amen

http://halife.com/halife/new_year_prayer.html