Wonderful Christmastime

Merry Christmas.  I have to admit that I wasn't feeling the Christmas spirit earlier this month.  But you just can't help but getting into it when you have a four year old who gets so excited over the littlest things.  He loves this season.  He has been asking to set up the tree since Halloween.  Family traditions says we set it up the day after Thanksgiving.  I was not feeling it this year.  After cooking all day the day before, the last thing I wanted to do was to climb over all of the junk in the storage room to drag out the Christmas decorations.  And set the tree up and put the lights on myself. Everyone is willing to put on their own ornaments but no one ever wants to help with the lights. Of course this meant a trip to walmart to get more lights. It happens every year.  But the look on little man's face when he saw the tree up was priceless.
Carmen did a report for school this year about the history of Christmas and Christmas Symbols.  Let's just say that it did not help at all with getting into the Christmas spirit.  We say that Christ is the reason for the season, but that was definitely not true in the beginning.  And the meaning and history behind some of the Christmas symbols revealed to me that I need to have a "girl" talk with my daughter.  I will never see the Christmas tree or holly the same way again.
Anyway, I decided not to stress with Christmas cards this year. And I did very limited baking (tight budget this year).  A wise decision for a more relaxing season.  Shopping was quick and mostly painless, with the exception of a banking error that led to an overdraft fee or two, but all is good now.  Today is Christmas eve.  The boys will go on their annual Christmas Eve target shooting thing (yep, we must be rednecks) and then we will venture over to grandma's house for the evening. I am really looking forward to giving the kids their gifts tomorrow. We typically only get them one gift each. We started that tradition a few years ago after J lost his job and we didn't have a choice, but we have enjoyed taking the focus off of buying and putting it more on the reason for the season so we never went back to a sack full of gifts like we used to give each of them.  They do give each other something from the heart as well, so they are actually getting more than one thing.  After spending a few days at gift wrap outreach I am amazed at the amount of money people spend on Christmas.  I am not opposed to giving. I just don't think you should have to take out a loan to do it.
Several families close to us are celebrating this year under a cloud of loss.  I have never lost anyone that close to me so I can't imagine how hard it must be to go through the holiday missing your loved one.  I pray for peace and comfort for those families.  Blessings to all of you this Christmas.

I love my kids

They are awesome and fun and creative and generous and caring and talented and helpful and thoughtful and giving and intelligent....

and amazing.

Humble Pie

Sometimes my children teach me the hardest lessons, even when they aren't even trying. Yesterday I took a group of six children to McDonalds to burn off some energy at the playplace. It had been raining all day and my house is just too small for all nine children/teens to be active. So I left baby and teenagers at home and decided to use our halloween coupons for a snack and utilize their indoor playground. We had been there for a while when a grandmother and her two grandsons came in. She and I, along with an older woman who works at McDonalds started talking about rude children and the lack of manners taught in today's society. I had mentions how strict I am and how I expect my children to be polite and respectful. They talked about how children were raised "in their day". I was feeling kind of prideful at this point. Afterall, I was there with six children who were behaving wonderfully. Not to mention the fact that I felt like I gained the respect of these older women for being a "good mother" in a generation where manners are not often taught to children. And that was the exact moment when one of my children kicked me right off of my little pedestal. My 11 year old and his friend were getting a little rambunctious and my 11 year old ended up standing on a table to try to reach the net above him. I yelled at him to get down which he did immediately. While giving myself another pat on the back for my son's quick obedience, I asked him to come to me so I could talk to him. He looked right at me and said...... "NO!" For a brief moment you could have heard a pin drop in that place with the exception of a dad (who had been listening the whole time) as he let out a gasp. So much for my mommy of the year award. I have to mention at this point that I am not usually embarrassed by my children's behavior. I have three children with high functioning autism so I have learned over the years not to let their behavior affect me. But this time I was thoroughly embarrassed. I sent the offender to wait in the van. While I packed up the other children, I was shocked at how embarrassed I was. I even considered making excuses. Afterall, the offender is one of my autism spectrum children. But I know that there was no excuse for my pride. I was wrong to feel so prideful about my mothering abilities. And that was the root of my embarrassment. Pride. After an hour long meltdown at home (a typical autism response) the offender was grounded to his room for the night for being defiant. And I was reminded that my children are imperfect. And so am I.

Submission

The big S word that so many churches avoid and so many women cringe when they hear it. My women's Bible study is doing a study for wives called "Women Making a Difference in Marriage". I have actually done this study before. Twice. So when I decided to lead this group of women on this journey, I thought 'I got this covered'. I figured I had grown so much since the first time I did this book and my marriage has definitely improved that I would be like the Titus 2:4 older woman teaching the younger. I am, after all, quite older than the ladies in the group. However, when I opened my old book and started reading I realized that my answers to the questions are still the same today as they were several years ago. The same phrases in the book that I highlighted still speak loud and clear to me today, painfully. As I starting studying chapter 3 about submission I realized that I still had a wrong impression about what submission is. First of all it is not being a lesser person. And it is something to do grudgingly. It is a willing and freeing act of trusting God and your spouse putting the other person's desires before your own. It does not mean you have no voice. It does not mean you cannot express your opinion. It does not mean you are weak. By submitting to our husbands we also are submitting to God. I love this quote from our book-"When we have an unsubmissive spirit, we must identify the real enemy. It's not our husbands, bosses, or coworkers but Satan himself. His desire is to sow discord in all our relationships." I have noticed that my teenagers have a very unsubmissive spirit right now toward me and my husband. My daughter in particular. She often tells me "I will stop____ if you stop _____. I am wondering if I set the wrong example for her about submitting to authority. My struggle with submission comes from my history. I am the oldest of five children giving me natural leadership qualities. My parents split up when I was young and I watched my strong mother as the head of the household and doing it all. I lost respect for my dad as I witnessed him chased women, even before my parents divorced, even flirting with my friends. When I married I had no positive example of a man leading his household. And I had little trust and respect for men in general. And I was not a Christian going into my marriage. I would never had said the word "obey" in my wedding vows. It took alot of time and much heartache to get to the point of wanting to submit to my husband (and I still struggle with that.) And in the process of not submitting to my husband in our 19 year marriage, I have damaged my husband's sense of self worth, and I have basically taught him that his opinion does not matter. He now lets most decisions rest on my shoulders. This lesson from our Bible study on submission comes in a timely manner. My daughter and I can learn this together. And I can be more understanding in her struggles, since I too, struggle with submission.

You Must Be a Home Educator If....

I saw this on a friends facebook page and couldn't resist posting it here. You Must Be a Home Educator If... You live in a one-house schoolroom. Your walls are covered with maps and timelines instead of decorative framed art. You have mold growing in your fridge…on purpose. Your preschooler can name all the planets, but doesn't know who the Rugrats are. Your house is messy, but your children are happy. All of your wall space is taken up by floor-to-ceiling bookcases and you still have stacks of books that don’t fit on the shelves. You turn a trip to the grocery store into a learning experience. Your kids don’t have to worry that they don’t “fit in.” You are tired of answering the question, “But what about socialization?” You have a standard one-minute speech to give to store clerks, mother-in-laws, and school officials about why you homeschool. For your wedding anniversary, you decide to splurge and get a color laser printer. Talking out loud to yourself is the same as having a parent/teacher conference. You have a 12-year-old, a 6-year-old, and a 2-year old in the same class. You take your family vacation in September, when the beaches and theme parks are empty. You take a suitcase full of books along on your family vacation. Your family vacation becomes an extended field trip. You can never find your kitchen utensils because they're out in the sandbox. Your kitchen doubles as a science lab. You are on a first name basis with your local librarian and bookstore owner. You’re always looking up the answers to questions such as “how does that work” or “why does it do that.” You don't get fired for teaching your students about God. The more your kids learn, the less you seem to know.

Update (Long Overdue)

I just realized that I never updated my blog about my missing kids. No worries. All is well. It turns out that their bus was late. Their contact person's phone was dead. So, they got a room at the hotel near the bus stop. It turns out that while we were worrying, they were sound asleep in a soft bed for the first time in two weeks. They didn't even know that they were missing. :) The next day at church the guest speaker mentioned the situations, said that they were found, and said, "God is good." They funny thing is, when I posted on facebook that they were "found" I almost typed the same thing, "God is good." But I didn't. God is good all the time, not just when things turn out the way I want them to. God would still be good even if they were still missing or worse. Through this situation we were given the opportunity to bless someone in the same country where we thought my children were missing. When I got to church a few hours after they were located, I saw a photo of a child under my chair. It turns out, he was a child from Mozambique and he needed a sponsor. How could I say no? I don't think it was a coincidence that my children were traveling through his country just the day before. Meet Esturo. He is 13 and lives in Mozambique less than 200 miles from Carmen's sponsor child in Malawi.

Practicing What I Preach

Looking back at my last post about taking control of my thoughts, I have been given a huge opportunity to practice what I preach. As I type this, my teenagers and sister are missing somewhere in Africa. They got on a bus in Lilongwe, Malawi at ~6am (their time) and they were supposed to be met at the bus in Harare, Zimbabwe at ~6-8pm (their time) by Pastor Herman and his family, friends of ours who live in Zimbabwe. But when Pastor Herman got to the bus station they were not there. He went to several bus stations and not only could he not find them, but he could not find the bus line that they traveled on. At one of the stations he was told that their bus may have gone to South Africa but that is not certain. Jennie bought a cell phone in Malawi but no one can get ahold of her on it. It is the middle of the night in Africa right now. We have no idea where they are or what happened. The bus company is closed on Sundays so we cannot call them until Monday. If I let my mind wander, I can think of a thousand different things that may have happened, most of them bad. But I am taking control of my thoughts and trusting God. (Oh, this is hard!) Perhaps the bus broke down. Perhaps they did end up in another city. I will not let my mind wander to any other "perhaps" situations. Trusting God is so much easier when all is well and all is known. It is so much harder when you have no idea where your children are and if they are ok. Especially when they are on the other side of the world. Prayers appreciated. Update: They have been located. Their bus had run 6 hrs late and they ended up in a hotel. I feel stupid for worrying. Thank you Lord.

Taking Control of My Thoughts

I have been working hard the past few years on changing my attitude towards my husband. Or should I say that God has been working hard to create me into a Godly wife. He isn't finished yet. I still have much to learn. But I have been trying hard to be the kind of wife that I should be. I have not always been respectful to my husband. I have often treated him like a child. I have put him below the kids and have not treated him the way a Godly woman should treat her husband. SO I started doing Bible studies and reading books such as "The Respect Dare" and "Women Making a Difference in Marriage". I have been trying to serve him by packing his lunch daily and calling in his medications for refills, even though he is perfectly capable of doing those things himself. I have been trying to be unselfish in the bedroom, no matter how tired I am. And I have been continually taking control of my thoughts. Satan knows the areas to attack in my thought patterns. He knows my weaknesses, my doubts, and triggers from my past. This is just one example of where I have needed to take control of my thoughts. I had a step father. He was grouchy, mean, and lazy (and those are the nicest things I can think to say about him). I do not have any fond memories of him. In fact I have blocked out a portion of my childhood because of him. But one memory that stand out is his chair. He had a green recliner in the corner of our living room near the kitchen. Every day after work he came home, sat in that chair, propped his feet up, and did absolutely nothing the rest of the night. He expected my mother to do everything around the house and to serve him. And that chair is a big reason why I have to take control of my thoughts every day. Several times a day. You see, my hubby also has a green recliner sitting near the kitchen. And he has a habit of sitting in it after work for a good portion of the night. I love him very much and I know he loves me, even if he isn't very good at speaking my love language (acts of service, of course). It would be easy for me to become bitter and angry. Afterall, I work all day, too. I am tired. I would love to sit on my butt while someone else does all of the work. But 2 Corinthians 10:5b says "We take every thought captive so that it is obedient to Christ." I do not want to become bitter or angry. I do not want my thoughts to lead me away from God and away from my husband. I do not want to doubt his love for me just because he isn't helping around the house. Instead I chose to think of the the many other ways that my husband shows me his love. And I continue to work on myself (and ask God to work on me) so that I can become a better wife to him. Do I sometimes let my stinky thinking take over? Sure. I have gotten upset and felt unloved many times while doing dishes as he was sitting in his chair doing nothing. But those thoughts got me nowhere except to make me more bitter and more angry and more full of doubt. C.S. Lewis said “Good and evil both increase at compound interest. That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later, you may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of. An apparently trivial indulgence in lust or anger today is the loss of a ridge or railway line or bridgehead from which the enemy may launch an attack otherwise impossible.” If I indulge in my self pity for even a moment, it gives Satan an edge. He starts to feed on that, making me bitter, angry, and even causing me to doubt my husband's love for me. Lies. All lies. I have a choice to make. I need to choose to take control of my thoughts so that I can be the wife that God called me to be, REGARDLESS of what my husband does or does not do. I guess because I have been trying so hard to respect my husband and change my thought patterns, I was really surprised when I saw that he had "Liked" this photo on facebook.

I am not saying that I haven't thought that a time or two. Afterall, I am a strong and capable woman who does it all. But I have spent so much time lately trying to take control of my thoughts and to see my husband as a strong man and as a leader of our family, that it made me sad to see that he thought it was funny to see the head of the household as a little child. Like I said though, God is not finished with me yet. And He isn't finished with my husband either.

Don’t Judge a Person By Their Facebook Page

In the age of social media, it is very important to remember not to judge someone based solely on their facebook page. Do not think you know them well from only reading their status updates or viewing their photos. Even among the most honest and open of facebookers, what they post is only a tiny glimpse of their lives, not the whole picture. Not even close. Being the proud momma of five, there are often times that I will post about some accomplishment or triumph in my children's lives. I will post photos of smiles and fun family times. I will post happy moments. I will post cute things they said or creative things they did. What I don’t post is the bickering and sibling conflict, the bad attitudes and temper tantrums, the teen rebellion, the disrespect, or my failures as a mother. Being a Christian woman, I might post a scripture verse that speaks to me, a lesson I have learned, or a reminder of how to live a Godly lifestyle. What I don’t post is the dust collecting on my unopened Bible, my failure to pray, my personal sins and struggles, the times when I lose my cool and scream at my husband and children, or my lack of housekeeping skills (well, maybe I do post about that). This could apply to so many other areas of life as well. At church for example, do not think you know someone well if you only see a glimpse of who they are at church Sunday morning. Just because they appear to be a happy, cheerful person each Sunday at church. You might not know the big argument that took place in the car on the way there or how they lost their cool trying to get everyone out the door (both personal experiences). They might, and likely do, have struggles that you know nothing about. Depression, sin, anger, codependency, unhealthy thought patterns, or any number of struggles. If I used my friends’ facebook pages to know who they are I would think that one friend thinks of nothing but sex and alcohol. Yet, she is actually a loving mother of three and a fun person. I would think that another friend is a lazy bum who sits on his butt all day and listens to music. But he is actually a hard working young man who simply enjoys sharing some good tunes. My point is, until you spend real time getting to know someone, don’t make assumptions about them or their life. Don’t compare. Don’t judge. Don’t label. We personally have had people call us “really spiritual”. If they only knew! My prayer life is lacking to say the least. I am far from a prayer warrior. I don’t even remember to pray before meals or pray with my children very often. I am more quick to seek prayer from others than I am to pray for others. I have had people tell me that they wish their children were more like mine. Oh goodness, you have no idea what you are asking! For the most part, my children are good. They make some good choices. They try to follow God. But they certainly have their issues. Sure they aren’t drinking, smoking, and chasing the opposite sex. But they are often rude, disrespectful, lazy, and all of them have anger issues. Not to mention the fact that three of them have an Autism spectrum disorder. Anyone familiar with Autism knows of some of the challenges that we face day to day. We are an imperfect family. We are imperfect parents. We have imperfect children. Like everyone else, we have our struggles. We just don’t post them on facebook. At least not very often. I am a very open person. But I try to respect my children and husband by keeping our troubles out of the social media circles. Remember, everyone has their own calling and their own purpose. Some callings are just more visible than others. Everyone has struggles. Some are just more visible than others. Take the time to really get to know someone. Facebook is just a glimpse.

And They're Off

Carmen, Logan, and Jennie are officially on their way to Africa!  We (they) have been saving and working towards this day for so long!  It was easier than expected to say goodbye.  If I let my mind wander, I can think of all kinds of things to worry about, but I know that this trip has been anointed from day one.  Therefore, I choose to take control of my thoughts and to trust God.  I am going to miss them. But when it came time to say goodbye, I was just excited for them.  Of course having my sister traveling with them relieves a ton of worries.

They had a wonderful send off. First they were prayed over by our church family including the children from preschool on up.  Then we went to Wendy's with a group of friends from church.  Next we all headed to the airport.  We had a fun time hanging out and taking photos while we waited for their time to go. Having friends with us made the wait fun and took away some of our nerves and anxiety.  Finally it was time.  We prayed over them at the airport and said goodbye.  

As we watched their plane lift into the air I knew that this would just be the first of many times I would be saying goodbye.  I know that there will be more mission trips in their future. Carmen will likely return to Malawi, while Logan will seek new mission adventures in other parts of the world.  I thank the Lord for this opportunity. They go to serve, but they will learn more from the people of Malawi than they could ever teach them.  

Proud Momma

My daughter, Carmen, is a volunteer Jr. Staff at PVM Camp this year.  Someone posted this pic on facebook while she was there for the first week (Urban Week). In this pic she was working at the rock climbing wall belaying someone. When I saw this photo, my heart swelled.  I am so proud of this girl. She has had some challenges in her life but she has grown to be such a responsible, caring, and generous young woman.  God has blessed me with her.

Help Wanted

This was in an email devotional for hs moms this morning. I stole it from a friend's facebook status but I have no idea who actually wrote it. I know it wasn't written by me but it is good. Help Wanted: Family seeking fun-loving, godly homeschool teacher. Applicant will be responsible for providing total educational development and daily personal care for children of multiple ages. Applicant will assume the following roles: cook, housemaid, nurse, taxi driver, administrative assistant, accountant, athletic coach, social director, computer technician, household and automotive repairman, gardener, course instructor in multiple subject areas and grade levels, and various other responsibilities. This is a full-time position — approximately 120 hours or more per week. Qualified candidates must be able to work well under pressure, multi-task, and prioritize work loads while maintaining a friendly, enthusiastic attitude. Quick thinking, good memory, and a varied background in extensive subject matter are a must. Promising candidates will be resourceful, adjust easily to distractions, and display creative, hard-working leadership abilities. Organizational and problem solving skills are a plus. Previous teaching experience and/or college preferred, but is not required. If you're interested in working in a fast-paced, ever-changing environment, this is the position for you! For more information on this exciting opportunity to earn fulfilling, one-of-a-kind rewards, please apply in person today. Eph 6:10 "Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might" ;)

Waiting Expectantly

I am waiting expectantly for the day that I wake up and have no more pain. The surgery is over. I am on the mend. But I am still in pain. This time it is not pain from the hernia but from the surgery. And boy did it hurt for the first few days. But someday soon I will wake up and realize that the pain I have been feeling for many years is gone! As I heal I have to say I am kind of enjoying my lack of responsibilities. I am on a lifting restriction (5 pounds or less) and I need to take it easy so I can heal. I haven't been able to do much. The teens have been stepping up and taking care of the housework (to some extent) and the little one. My church family has been bringing me meals. The rest of the work can wait. I have been sleeping in, napping, and losing myself in a book or two (or three). I could get used to this.

A Little Nervous

I am having hernia surgery on Monday. I admit that I am a little nervous. The only other surgery that I ever had was a hernia surgery when I was around 3 years old and it was a rather traumatic experience for me. I remember screaming....a lot. My mom didn't stay at the hospital with me adn I remember feeling very alone and afraid. And I remember having a lot of pain afterwards. A lot of pain. I am not really worried about "something happening" during this surgery. I guess I am more worried about pain. But as my daughter pointed out, I have already been in pain for years with this hernia. I guess the pain from surgery shouldn't be too much worse. And I will have some wonderful pain medication available to me. I am also a little nervous about some medical test results. I had to have an endometrial biopsy done yesterday and a dexa scan done today. All of this is a result of going through early menopause. I expect to get a clean bill of health, but I can't help to be a little nervous whenever the c word comes up. The biopsy is to test for endmetrial or uterine cancer. The dexa scan tests for osteoporosis. It's official. I am old before my time. Anyway, I am trying not to be stressed about these test results but I can't help but to worry a little. In the past five years I have had more medical tests and issues than I can count. I have had several ct scans (4 or 5...maybe more), two mammograms complete with a breast cancer scare and more scans with each one, several ultrasounds (not related to pregnancy), an endoscopy, a colonoscopy, a rare complication to fifth disease that caused severe swelling in my entire body, a serious elbow injury that caused significant swelling, severe whiplash, a back injury requiring steriod injections in my back, heart issues, a broken tailbone (thanks to childbirth), a fall injuring my foot, hand, wrist, and back, a food allergy, anemia (again), and a hernia. This doesn't include all of the minor injuries I receive on a regular basis (I have inherited my mother's grace). I am sure I am forgetting something else but like I said it is more than I can count. All I can say is Thank You Lord for medical coverage. I am seriously hoping that this hernia surgery will be the last time I need to see a doctor for a long while.

Being Grateful

I have become aware of how much I have been complaining lately. I have told my children countless times that gratefulness cannot exist at the same time as ungratefulness. I cannot be truly grateful while I am complaining. And God has blessed me so greatly. Not only that but he calls me to have a thankful heart... a grateful spirit. Instead of complaining about gas prices or traffic, I want to be grateful that I have a working vehicle. Instead of complaining about housework, I want to be grateful that I have a house and more stuff than I could ever need. Instead of complaining about having to cook (not my favorite responsibility) I want to be grateful that I have food to eat. Why have I given in to complaining and ungratefulness? Two of my children are about to see first hand what it is like to have nothing. When they travel to Malawi for their mission trip they will encounter children who have nothing more than the clothes on their back, who are so grateful for food that they would never consider complaining that it is nothing more than a boiled egg or a pasty corn meal mixture. Don't get me wrong. I am not supposed to feel guilty for having what I have when others have so little. God is the one who called me to this position in life. But I do need to be grateful and stop complaining. Please hold me accountable.

A Parent's Prayer

A Parent's Prayer
Oh give me patience when wee hands
Tug at me with their small demands
And give me gentle smiling eyes.
Keep my lips from hasty replies
And let not weariness, confusion or noise
Obscure my vision of lifes fleeting joys.
So when in years to come my house is still
No bitter memories its rooms may fill.
Amen.

I stole this from a friend who posted it on facebook. What a good prayer for frazzled moms.

Absent Seizures??

I think Declan might be having absent seizures. He seems to have these episodes where he just spaces out and we can't seem to get his attention even if we touch him, shake him, or call his name. Then he just snaps out of it after 10-30 seconds. For a long time I thought he was just spacing out. We call it zoning (zoning out). But now I am thinking it might be sometime more. My sister and daughter have seen it and they agree with me. Doc called in a referral to neurology at Children's Hospital to have him tested. I am not sure what kind of testing they will do, but I am glad that we are looking into this. My aunt had absent seizures for years and never had treatment. She totaled her car as a teenager because of having an absent seizure while driving. I hope it is nothing. But I want to be sure. In the mean time we will be spending a lot of time at Children's Hospital. He also has a referral for testing at the Developmental Disorders Department at Children's. He shows the same symptoms as Carmen and Gabe for sensory dysfunction and autism spectrum disorder. And on top of all of that, we think he is showing a sensitivity to dairy again. Fun.

And the Verdict Is....

It's a hernia. After all of this time, a CT scan, an ultrasound, and four different doctors, I finally know what has been causing the pain. And it turned out to be a hernia like I have been saying all along. This is the first doc to actually take the time to feel what I have been telling them was there. First doc told me it was just a stretch mark I was feeling. She sent me for ultrasound just in case it was an ovarian cyst. Second doc barely pushed on the area through my jeans and said he didn't feel anything but it might be a kidney stone or my appendix. CT scan came back normal. Went back to him several months later. This time he said it might be a hernia or something and sent me to a surgeon. Surgeon couldn't see me for months so I saw her partner. He pushed on it a little and basically said you might have a hernia but you might not since there is no lump. I can do surgery and see. Ummm. No thank you. I finally got in to see Dr. Ogg who I was supposed to see orginally. She is wonderful. She was thorough and finally felt the ridge/hole that I have been feeling all along. I will have surgery sometime in the next few months to repair it. Not looking forward to surgery but glad to finally have answers.

Answers Please

I have been having pain in my lower right side for a long time. It started to hurt off and on several years ago but it has gotten alot worse over the past 6 months or so. It now hurts all the time. I have been to my gyn doc thinking it was a cyst on my ovaries, but an ultrasound showed nothing wrong. So I went to my pcp. He thought it was a stone or maybe my appendix so he sent me for a CT scan. Again it showed nothing wrong. Three months later I went back to my pcp because the pain was getting really bad, especially with physical activity. He said it might be a hernia and referred me to a surgeon. The surgeon that I was scheduled to see kept calling to reschedule so I ended up agreeing to see a different surgeon in the same practice. After seeing him yesterday, I wish I had never agreed to change doctors. Don't get me wrong. He wasn't a quack or anything. But I still don't know anything more than I did before. He has a very heavy accent and I am HORRIBLE at understanding accents. I had to concentrate really hard to understand him and I only got about half of what he said. But from what I understand, he basically said that I might have a hernia but since I don't have a bulge he doesn't know. He said I can try to keep a log of what I eat and my activity and see if it might be something else. He said I could call my gi doc and see if it might be something else. He said I could see a urologist in case it is my urinary tract or I could schedule surgery and see if it is a hernia. He also said that surgery might help with the pain or it might not. It might even cause more pain. So much for getting answers. The question I didn't think to ask him was, what if he cuts me open and doesn't find a hernia? Will he just stitch me back up or will he look for what else might be wrong with me? I know something is wrong. We just can't seem to figure out what it is. So very frustrating. I wonder if insurance will cover another consultation with a surgeon in the same office. I just don't want to go back to this guy.

Difficult Moments

Sometimes parenting is just plain hard. There is no other way to put it. I sometimes hear other parents complaining about how difficult their children are and I think 'you have no idea'. Tonight I listened to my 10 year old cry for an hour and repeat over and over again 'no one loves me'. I know that some children say that to get attention. He really truly believed it.

It all started with a game of monopoly. The kids had played for hours. Gabe eventually went bankrupt and had a meltdown. I know why he had the meltdown. He loses games. All the time. Everytime. It makes him feel stupid. He is alot younger than his siblings so he has a disadvantage, but he doesn't seem to understand. He just feels stupid. And since he has a processing disorder, he can't just feel stupid for a few minutes then move on. He feels like everyone hates him. So he had a major meltdown, the worst one in a long time. I sent him to my room to calm down like I usually do. He tore my bedroom apart. He tried to hurt me. He yelled and screamed. He did eventually calm down enough to straighten his messes, but he wasn't calm enough to talk about it so he had to stay in there to calm down for a while longer. When I came back in I noticed that he had done something he has never done before-he hurt himself. While I was in the other room, he bit his arm over and over again. He didn't draw blood but he came close. He still wasn't calm enough to talk, so I gave him more time to calm down and told him not to bite himself anymore. When I came back in he had scratches all over his arm. I had given him a comb because sometimes combing his hair helps him calm down. He had used the comb to scratch his arm. I stayed calm and direct with him, as I have been taught is the best way to deal with a child with Asperger's Syndrome. He was ready to talk and told me that losing makes him feel stupid, but he didn't stay calm for long. He quickly started rocking crying and telling me that he is stupid over and over again. When I told him that it made me sad to hear him say that, he started crying and saying that I don't love him, no one loves him. Over and over he said it. This was a psychotic episode. It got to the point that I almost took to children's ER. I had no idea what to do. He has never spoken like this before. This was different from a meltdown at this point and this was not just an upset child. This was scary. I prayed over him. I cast out demons. Then I prayed some more. After a while I heard God tell me to read to him from the Bible, so I got my Bible and started to read. I opened it up randomly and it fell opened to a part where Jesus was casting out a demon. He probably couldn't hear much at first because he was crying and moaning at this point. I read and read.... for almost a half hour. He eventually stopped crying, held my hand, and calmed down. When I stopped reading I asked him if he was calm and he said yes, he kissed me and all was wall. There is so much power in The Word of God!

I know that this is not the end. There will likely be more meltdowns. And I need to address this self hatred and self injury. I, actually had already contacted Children's Hospital about gettting him evaluated for medication. I am apprehensive about medication but I want to do what is best for him and at this point medication seems to be the way to go. If anyone reads this, please pray for us. For wisdom and guidance, peace and healing, joy and freedom. In the precious name of Jesus.

For Wives

http://westgreen.crosspt.org/pages/page.asp?page_id=140481

This is a great video sermon about being a Godly wife.....

There is also a series for any men interested in listening....

(scroll down to January 2011)

http://westgreen.crosspt.org/pages/page.asp?page_id=102966

Complaining

"This sucks!" Those are the words I heard come out of teenagers mouth a few minutes ago. He was talking about the fact that this is winter and he misses summer. Now don't get me wrong. I am longing for summer as well, since it is my favorite time of year, but today's beautiful 6o degree weather in January is a gift and not to be complained about. I reminded my son that there are alot of things that "suck" worse than this and that scripture says not to concentrate on the sucky things in life....

‎"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippians 4:8

If you are doing this, you will never have anything to complain about. Afterall, where would negative thoughts creep in if you are constantly thinking on the good things in life.

Marriage

“What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility.”
― Leo Tolstoy

I have never heard a more true statement about marriage. Here is another true statement....

Marriage is not intended to make you happy. Marriage is to make you holy. Marriage should draw you closer to God. Only God can give you joy.

From THE RESPECT DARE

Dare you to change your questions today. The question isn't, "Does my marriage make me happy?" But rather, "Do I have God's peace, joy, and comfort in the midst of this, and am I learning to obey Him better?" Who knows what God can do? Double dog dare you today to get out of His way, stop trying to be your spouse's Holy Spirit, and as it is up to you, live in peace, through Christ's strength.

He Came With the Ring...

That's what I always tell people. He came with the ring. I am talking about my stepson, Cameron. He was almost 2 years old when I met his dad. He didn't know what to make of me at first but we soon had a very special bond. When I married his dad a year and a half later, Cameron was already like my own son. It broke my heart when he wasn't with us. His shared parenting schedule was very hard on him but we did our best to make him feel at home whenever he was home with us. We don't get to see him much now that he has grown into a fine young man, but he still holds a very dear place in my heart. He may not be my firstborn, but he is my first child. Happy 22nd Birthday, Cameron.

This is the first birthday that I ever celebrated with Cameron (his 3rd Birthday) just before I married his dad. He was so cute!

Expectations

Why is it so much easier to forgive a stranger than it is to forgive someone you love? The answer is simple-expectations. We don't expect anything from strangers. But we do have expectations from those we know. We expect obedience from our children, trust and loyalty from our friends, love and respect from our spouse... Often, though, the other person doesn't even know what that expectation is or what you want it to look like. We expect our spouse to show us love, but our spouse doesn't know that to you, show love looks like him helping you with the housework. Also, we sometimes place expectations on people that are not theirs to carry. It is not my husbands job to make me happy. There are some expectations that are God's job to fill, and it is unfair and unreasonable to place those expectations on anyone else. It will only lead to disappointment and unforgiveness.

Speak Blessings

God has been showing me the great power there is in speaking blessings over others and into your own life. There is also great power in speaking curses over people, even carelessly. I remember a teaching a church many years ago about poison arrows, and how negative words can poison your body. Choose your words wisely and speak blessings into your life and over your children and spouse. Be careful about making careless remarks about your children, your husband, or yourself. Those words have great power.

"Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing." Proverbs 12:18

"Wise words are more valuable than much gold and many rubies." Proverbs 20:15

" Your tongue has the power of life and death. Those who love to talk will eat the fruit of their words." Proverbs 18:21

"Kind words are like honey— sweet to the soul and healthy for the body." Proverbs 16:24

"When you enter a city or town, find some worthy person there and stay in that home until you leave. When you enter that home, say, 'Peace be with you.' If the people there welcome you, let your peace stay there. But if they don't welcome you, take back the peace you wished for them." Matthew 10:11-13

"We all make many mistakes, but those who control their tongues can also control themselves in every other way." James 3:2

Women Making a Difference In Marriage

This is an excellent study that I did with my small group several years ago. It really does change hearts and change lives. I encourage all married women to read it.

http://www.amazon.com/Women-Making-Difference-Marriage-Commitment/dp/0767393775

Guilty

Top 10 Ways Wives Destroy Our Marriages

http://ninaroesner.wordpress.com/2011/10/13/top-10-ways-wives-destroy-our-marriages%E2%80%A6/

"Yelling at a bud won't make it bloom."

“What is spoken wisely should be spoken calmly, and then it will be calmly considered. But passion will lessen the force even of reason, instead of adding any force to it.” Matthew Henry

"To break the cycle of sin in our lives we must add in the virtue of gentleness, by default the old vice will be replaced."

I heard about The Gentleness Challenge from a friend. The idea intrigued me. I have been thinking alot lately about how to balance authority with love when dealing with my children's misbehavior and attitudes. And I have been trying already to be more gentle in my approach to them (the whole truth in love thing). So this challenge is very timely. And I certainly cannot do it without the Lord's help. I will be praying daily for Him to help me be gentle in how I handle my children (as well as my husband and everyone else I am in contact with).

Galatians 5:22,23 says: But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

I am thinking about starting a small group/book study for moms and study the book "The Ministry of Motherhood" by Sally Clarkson. Praying about it. We will see what happens.

http://www.amazon.com/Ministry-Motherhood-Following-Reaching-Children/dp/1578565820

The Gentleness Challenge

http://www.womenlivingwell.org

Complaining

Don't complain about a problem ........ be the solution.

What that looks like in real life: Don't complain about dirty dishes. Wash them.

Cameron's Christmas Gift

In December 1993 we went to my father in law's house for a Christmas party. My stepson, Cameron, who was only 3 at the time, climbed onto Santa's lap and promptly asked for a baby sister for Christmas. Needless to say my husband and I were quite surprised to hear this. We had just gotten married a few months ago and we hadn't really thought about expanding our family. Fast forward a few months... I was sitting in the lifeguard chair at the YMCA where I worked. It was May and in the upper 70's but for some reason I was really, really hot. That was unusual for me since I was underweight and always cold. I took a pg test and it was positive. MERRY CHRISTMAS CAMERON!

I experienced severe morning sickness the ENTIRE pregnancy. I was miserable. I lost 15 pounds, which was not a good thing since I was already underweight. I eventually gained 20 pounds (meaning I only gained 5 pounds total for the entire pregnancy). I was so tiny my whole pregnancy that I never wore maternity clothes and no one at work knew I was pregnant even though I wore a swimsuit all day. Carmen was due on Superbowl Sunday January 29th. Being new to the whole pregnancy/childbirth thing, I was quite surprise and totally unprepared when my water broke very early in the morning on the 10th. We rushed to pack our bags and head to the hospital (which was literally 2 blocks away) and then we waited. I ended up getting an epidural because I just couldn't handle the pain and wasn't dilating. They told me to rest for a few hours but in no time I started feeling nauseous and the nurse knew that it was time. Carmen was delivered a few minutes later. She was so beautiful. I couldn't believe how little and perfect she was. Eleven years later, while delivering her brother Gabe, we ran into the nurse who had helped deliver her. How cool is that!

That is the Carmen's birth story and the story of how Cameron got the best Christmas Gift ever!