Feeling very out of sorts this evening. As I am listening to J. describe his amazing camp experience, I am thinking more and more that I am losing who I am to who I have become... a mother. I used to be a camp counselor and program director. It was fun. Very fun. I used to be a girl scout leader. I used to participate. I used to be fun, adventurous, and outgoing. Now I am the one who stays home with the kids so everyone else can go have an adventure. The sad thing is, it has become who I am. I am the mom, the responsible one, the one who does what needs done. And I am so used to it, that I had to look at old photos to remember who I used to be. I have accepted being nothing more than a bench warmer, someone who watches from a distance but never gets to participate. Someone who hears all about the adventure second hand. Iwant an adventure too. I love my kids, but sometimes I am so tired of being the one left behind.
I am also feeling like I don't actually fit in anywhere. I have friends from church but lately I have felt like I just don't fit in with them. I am different. And I think they sense that. It seems that I don't get invited places anymore. I have my sisters but they aren't very much like me either. I guess I am feeling left out and lonely. I know this is totally irrational and untrue, but that is how I am feeling. I don't have any close friends. Maybe there is something wrong with me. I really don't know how to be a good friend and I have trouble in social situations. I am more like Carmen than she realizes. Who knows, maybe I also have Asperger's Syndrome. That would explain alot.
Basically you can say I am just feeling sorry for myself today.
No comments:
Post a Comment