How Motherhood Has Shaped You

I often check out the blog for one of my favorite Christian authors at http://genxparents.blogspot.com/ . Recently while promoting her newest book "Blue Like Play Dough" due to be released this summer, she asked for our response to the following question:


"What is one way motherhood has shaped YOU?I'm taking your answers and running a series called "The Shaping of Mother". I was so blessed by your answers. Some serious, some laugh-out-loud funny! Priceless."

My answer was one of many that she shared on her blog. I just thought I would share it on here.

"Michelle: One way that motherhood has shaped me....Motherhood has shaped me in many ways, full and round ready to burst with joy, a simple heart totally in love, squished flat in defeat, a confused messy blob....but through all of this shaping, motherhood has made me tough. I can deal with tons of work, little sleep, endless surprises, big scary spiders, things that grow in the fridge, monsters under the bed, poop and puke, boo boos, sickness, loneliness, heartbreak, hanging on tight, letting go-all with a heart so full of love it is ready to burst."

That's Love!

Sometimes while holding one of my kids, I feel a love for them so much that it hurts. I just can't get enough and I want to hold them forever and make everything alright. It is so amazing to think that God loves me so much more than I love my kids at that moment. Awesome!

My family recently watched the movie "Anne Frank" starring Ben Kingsley. An awesome movie! I may blog more about it later. But in the movie we learned how Anne's mother loved her family so much that she died of starvation while hoarding food under her pillow for her husband and children (in hopes of seeing them again and saving them). She loved her family so much that she sacrificed her life for them. Amazing how much more Jesus sacrificed for us. God is so much more than we see. He doesn't just love us. He IS love. He didn't just sacrifice for us. He IS the sacrifice. Jesus IS the TRUTH that sets us FREE!

A Lesson on Success

My husband and I teach the 5th and 6th graders at church twice a month. Today, we taught about God's law and how success is based on our viewpoint and whether it agrees with God's viewpoint or not. To illustrate this, we read in 1 Samuel about a time when King Saul was chasing David to try to kill him. God's favor was upon David and Saul was jeaolous and selfish. He couldn't stand how everyone respected and honored David and in his jealousy, Saul wanted to kill him. One day, Saul went into a cave to use the bathroom (the kids love hearing about that part-especially the boys) where David and his men were hiding. David's men encouraged him to take that opportunity to kill Saul, even saying that God put Saul into David's hands for that purpose. Here is the part that floors me. Saul was trying to KILL David. David was on the run in fear for his life. Yet given the opportunity for revenge, he chose instead to honor the very man who was trying to kill him. He cut a piece of cloth from Saul's gown just to show Saul that he could've killed him but chose instead not to. David knew that God had put Saul into authority over him and no matter what, it was his job to honor Saul. David laid face down in honor to the man who was so full of hate and jealousy that he was trying to murder him. Wow! How many of us can say that?

I have to say, I truly struggle with authority. I am not a rebel by any means. In fact, I really like rules and following them. However, I have a real problem honoring those in authority over me when I feel that they are flat out wrong, or even when their intentions are honorable but their approach isn't the best. I have often found myself being disrespectful to those in authority over me in my attitude towards them, in my gossip and complaining about them, and even in my unforgiveness toward them. In doing so, I was sinning against them and against God. Lord, forgive me for my selfishness, unforgiveness, and pride. Forgive me for my hateful attitude and my hard heart. Teach me to honor those you place in authority over me and open my heart to learn obedience, respect, and forgiveness.

While we were teaching about Saul trying to kill David, one student asked, "Was he successful?" Obviously we need to work on getting into God's word a little more, but it was a poignant question. Saul, who followed his own selfish viewpoint, was not successful in killing David. David, who followed God's viewpoint in honoring those in authority and offering forgiveness to the man trying to kill him, became a great King. It is true that, "To be successful in life, you have to be aware of how things really are." (a quote from today's lesson) The truth, how things really are, is found in God's word. My interpretation of how things are is not good enough. My sinful nature interprets things in a way that benefits me and it is distorted and warped. God's truth found in His Word is never changing. It is always the same, always true, the way things really are. I must see that in order to be successful. I must have God's viewpoint, not my own, just like David did in the Old Testament.

I always think it is funny how God uses the kid's Bible lesson that I am teaching to teach me. Anytime I think I am not qualified to teach sunday school because I don't know enough about the Bible, I just remember this. Maybe God wants to teach me something and he is using a kid's lesson to do it. Not all lessons are learned by listening. Some are learned by doing.

Homeschool Burn Out

A homeschool mom once commented on her blogsite that many moms who say they homeschool actually don't. I have been thinking about that ever since reading that because it pretty much describes me. I am struggling with homeschooling. I posted this prayer on our homeschool organization website, probably a big mistake, but I really need prayer. I am hoping that I will look back on this someday and laugh about this. I will reminisce about how new I was and maybe even use it to help other new homeschool moms. Who knows, maybe I will even right a book someday. But for now, this is my prayer and it is real.

I am going out on a limb and opening my heart here. I really need prayer for homeschooling. I am relatively new to homeschooling. I started a year and a half ago or so ago. Previously they attended a parochial school and then a charter school. I started homeschooling out of necessity when we moved away from the charter school. My kids are currently in grades 8, 6, and 2. The 8th grader has high functioning autism and learning disabilities. I also have an 11month old (who is still waking several times a night to nurse), a 19 year old step son (a senior) who lives with us, doesn't work or even have a driver's license and doesn't do much to help around the household, and I babysit a very high maintenance 22 month old. On top of that I will soon be babysitting a newborn. (My husband's income does not support us, so I have to work.) I am burned out and am not doing a very good job of schooling my children. We get by with the bare minimum each day, sometimes (often) that is only silent reading or an educational video like Bill Nye. We even have days or weeks were we get nothing done at all. I have a very limited budget for curriculum. We belong to a co-op but it doesn't offer much for my daughter and it is a huge stretch in our budget to pay the modest fee. I feel like God called me to homeschool and I do not want to send them back to public school. However, I am just not sure I have what it takes to keep going on with homeschooling. I feel like there is so much more that they can learn than what I can teach them. The kicker is that I have a BA in Elementary Education. But somewhere along the way, I lost my energy and creativity. I just never seem to have enough energy to get anything done and I never have enough time. I have very few people who understand my situation. All of the other homeschool moms that I know have very young children or eased into it and they have been doing it for years since their children were young. They have a big budget for curriculum, they don't have to work, and none of them deal with special behavioral needs and special educational needs like my daughter's. I didn't get to ease into this. I started full force.

Tonight, my son, the sixth grader, went to bed crying about how much he hates homeschooling. He wants to go back to "real school" so that he can have friends. He is VERY social and it is hard for him to go a full day/week without playing with other children. We have no children his age in the neighborhood. There are a few kids his age at the co-op but they aren't really friends and it is only once a week. His church friends all go to public school. I really feel like he has been set apart. He has been given so much wisdom and he is different from most kids. He really loves the Lord. He loves to learn about God's Word and he truly wants to do what it good and right. I am not sure that returning him to a public school environment is the best thing for him. I don't want to make any decisions based on his tears tonight because just a month or so ago he thanked me for homeschooling him. My daughter (the 8th grader) says she likes to be homeschooled but she is very easily frustrated and we spend much of her day dealing with issues, frustrations, and temper outbursts. She seems angry the entire time she is schooling. She hates co-op, has very few friends(probably due to the autism), and she feels trapped at home all the time with "little kids", which is pretty much true. My other son (the second grader) might have autism as well, but is currently not diagnosed because I haven't had the time or energy to start the testing process. He often doesn't get school at all because I am too busy with the babies or dealing with my daughter's "autistic moments" that I can't get to him. And when I do have time, he often fights me and refuses to work. He LOVES co-op and would love to go to "real school". he would probably do very well in real school, too. Right now it seems that the kids are falling further and further behind "grade level" and they are terribly bored with school. I am just so tired and worn out, and don't know what the right thing to do is. I have no energy to try to make things more exciting or interesting. There is so much out there to learn and we are just squeaking by with a few basic facts. Please pray for my family homeschool situation. And please pray for friends for my kids.

Thanks for your prayers, Michelle

UPDATE: I got some wonderfully encouraging emails from some other homeschool moms in the area. I just wanted to share parts of a few of those with you. The first one is so full of wisdom and God used it to gently remind me of areas in my life and my family that need work.

Michelle,
My heart goes out to you!!!! Oh can I hear the frustration and "burned out" desperation in your email. I'VE BEEN THERE! We all have. You are definitely not alone.
First of all, I would say, listen to God and not your son. Remember that foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, and a child doesn't know what is BEST for him. He might go to bed crying because he didn't get to watch an R-rated movie his friends did, or because he didn't get extra dessert that night, etc. But stand firm in your conviction of what God is telling you.
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, for those who have been trained by it, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace. (Heb. 12:11)
Second, what does your HUSBAND want you to do? So many times, I have wrestled with a decision, thinking my husband "doesn't know a thing about what I'm going through" etc., only to ask him and have him give me the PERFECT advice! He has even told me which curriculum to use and other details which I didn't think he "understood." God will speak through your husband, even if he is not saved!
Third, confess any "envy" or "bitterness" you are harboring in your heart. Don't look at other people who have eased into it or have a bigger budget than you, as if you have been given a harder task. Let's face it. Homeschooling is just flat HARD no matter HOW you got into the situation! But remember Matthew 11:30 says For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Maybe because of your BA in Elementary Education, you think school must be done the way you were taught. But maybe that is NOT the way God wants you to homeschool. I personally think having a background in education is one of the biggest obstacles to homeschool moms. You have expectations you put on yourself of what you THINK a school should be set up like, but that is our society's view of education, not necessarily God's. Think about it. Did God make a family full of two-year-olds? or 6th graders? or high schoolers? NO. In His wisdom, he put us in FAMILIES. Read the Bible carefully. How many references do you find referring to Jesus and his teen-age friends? Who was Jesus "hanging out" with when he was 12? He was in the Temple with wise MEN! Don't let our society (or your kids) put you on the guilt trip for your kids not having FRIENDS. Their family is their friends. Phil. 4:19 says My God shall supply all my NEEDS according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. If your kids NEED friends, God will supply them! If He is not supplying friends at the moment, then they are not NEEDED! Now we go back to the foolishness bound up in the heart of a child. Your child might THINK he needs friends, but God says otherwise! Isn't that FREEING??? When GOD wants your child to have a friend, HE will provide one! No GUILT!!! :D I always tell my kids, "Friends will come and go, but family will be there forever." .............
Oh, one more thing. Your kids DO go to real school. Where did we get the idea that kids must GO somewhere else to learn? Where did they learn how to talk? to tie their shoes? to have good manners? In the HOME! Since you are new to homeschooling, there is a "probation" period where the kids are testing you to see how firm you stand and if you'll give in to their whims and requests. Staying at home with your children means you are able to work through relationship issues that might be swept under the rug if they are out of the home. We have certainly experienced this ourselves. Our kids went to Christian school for a year and a half, and I felt we didn't have TIME to work through all the attitude problems that occurred. We really realized that relationships were put by the way-side in favor of academics.
Anyway, I have rambled on and on. But if I can help you in any way, I would be glad to. Please feel free to email me back.
Bonnie L

I would like to start off with how amazed I am that you are not in an institution with all you have going on! Congratulate yourself that you are keeping things going, even if it feels like chaos!
Second, I would like to remind you of something I easily forget. Laugh. In those moments where you are super stressed, and you want desperately to cry or to scream, just laugh. If you lighten the mood, the stress level in the whole house will go down.
Third, remember it's January. I learned in my first CHEC meeting that this is the HARDEST month for homeschoolers. Why? It's cold, it's isolating. Not enough daylight, no play time outside. You don't have the spring energy, and you just came off the stress and yet happiness of Christmas. Give yourself a break...this is the tough stuff! ...........
But here is what I took from that, and the reason I didn't send my kids to school......Love. My kids learned so much about family, and how much they were loved. ..............My kids haven't learned math and reading, but they have learned SO much that no book can teach them. Your kids are too, and one day soon, something will come out of their mouths, and you will wonder, WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT???
........Please don't throw in the towel yet. Growing pains are hard, and there isn't a way to get around them. On the other side, you will marvel at how great your kids turned out, and know God didn't give you a job you and He couldn't handle together.
Thanks for helping me remember to keep going and inspire me. If you can do all that you do, I can certainly school my 2 young ones!!!
Amy W

Michelle,
This is coming from a mom of 9!! I have felt everything you are feeling and at this point am overwhelmed myself. Every year I promise I am going to do better and by the end I question myself again. Something happens each year and we don't get done what we should. ............ I could go on but the point is I had to step back and look at why I am doing this. It isn't to give them a top of the line education. It is to shape and mold their hearts for the glory of God. It is overwhelming at times but I have done just what Valerie suggested, a little "unschooling". .............Anyone can learn what is in a text book and achieve what the world praises as important but to have a true heart for serving and obeying God, that is what our focus needs to be on. ......... My kids are wonderful. They are doing probably more than what the schools are doing and they have great character to boot! I think how can this be? But God fills in the holes. ........ My kids may not be able to recite anything you ask them at their given grade level but they are smart and can learn and more importantly they love the Lord. I am complimented on their behavior and character a lot. Please know that it is ok. ..........But remember Seek FIRST the kingdom of God and His righteousness and ALL these things shall be added to you! I will be praying for you and for anyone else who is finding they are in the same boat. Stay the course. YOU CAN Do ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS EACH ONE OF US!! Donna S

Hi Michelle, Just know that our family will be praying for you. Also know that there is a growing homeeducating segment that is known as Christian Unschoolers, Lifesyle Learners, or Relaxed Homeschoolers. It sounds as if your family is in this group by default and not necessarily by design. .............You are doing a wonderful job, please don't sell yourself short! God sees all that you are doing for his Kingdom and He will sustain you. I know these words come easily to me, as I am not in your shoes, but I KNOW they are true. I have also been in seasons where I wondered about what God expected of me, and how I was to keep on keeping on... Please let me know if there is anything else I can do. In Christ,Linda K